I don’t think I can adequately explain with words how important this is, but, Imma try. We all know the importance of friendships. There have been recent studies done at both Harvard and the University of Michigan that found that healthy and happy relationships directly contribute to physical health and longevity. As far as I can see, connection with others is the reason why we’re here. So, if you’re not sure about opening yourself up to true meaningful friendships, keep reading! It’s literally good for your health—science, people!

Friends come in all shapes and forms—I’m “friends” with my dry cleaner, I know all about his son and what he’s studying at college. I struggled through the teen years with him while I had an infant at home. He’s a great guy, and I’d consider him a friend. I’m friendly with some of the parents at school or on my kids’ sports teams—they’re super sweet people and we’re in the middle of this thing together, so, solidarity. And, while I have fond feelings and care about these friends, they are not my “tribe.” You gotta have a tribe or you’re not gonna make it. Okay, you will probably make it, but it will be soooo much harder.

There are all different kinds of tribes. Maybe you’re a one person “bestie” kind of a gal? You’ve got your one girlfriend who knows where all the bodies are buried and she is your first call—she can be your tribe. Or, maybe you have a group or groups of friends that you do life with and you know you can count on, in the event of an emergency. Not a “can you pick my child up from school?” emergency—there are lots of lovely people that will help with those kinds of emergencies. I’m speaking of emotional emergencies like –I’m pretty sure one of my children is going to grow up to hate me/go on a crime spree/travel the country in a boxcar. At this point, your tribe assures you that you are, in fact, not the world’s worst mother, she/they may helpfully point out others that are screwing it up far worse than you, for reference, not judgment. This allows you to take a step back and see yourself through the eyes of someone you trust and value. And, also get out of your own head, which is clearly not a safe space at the moment.

It may sound silly, but it’s important. Isolation is scary stuff. It seems strange to think that as busy as we are running around doing so many things that we could possibly become isolated. But, parenting can sometimes be a lonely place. You don’t know what you’re doing or if you’re doing a remotely good job. It’s important to have back up. One or, if you’re lucky, a few people that can take a minute, hear you and totally get where you’re coming from. They won’t be able to fix any of your problems or give you easy solutions. But, they will be able to nod their heads and let you know that you’re not totally crazy. They may also be able to offer a little perspective. Like maybe you are, in fact, overacting to your sister in law’s holiday invitation and she probably is just inviting you because you are related and people do that stuff. They will reassure you that her Thanksgiving invitation was nothing more than normal. Sometimes, you also need someone to tell you when you ARE being crazy.

This support system is one that may take a minute to build. It is sometimes comprised of people who you’ve know for a million years, or, it can be someone who’s come into your life recently. There are no rules to building a tribe. And, you may have several. You could have your work tribe, your mommy tribe, your old school tribe—the more the merrier! As I see it, life is not getting easier as kids grow up and parents age. The more you can surround yourself with people who will happily talk you off the ledge when you’re struggling with tough parenting issues or contemplating a severe hair cut, the better off you will be.

So, whatever you’re doing, make sure you’re putting a little time and effort into the cultivation of your tribe. Say “yes” when someone invites you to a girls night out, answer the phone when you really should be working for your friend who is struggling right now. No one has time for anything, but you will make time for what’s important—and, this is important. You never know who might end up being part of your tribe, so be open.

Then, be there for your people. A tribe is a two-way street. You’ve got to put yourself out there for your people as well. You can’t be the only one constantly in crisis, even if it sometimes feels that way. You have to be there to listen or laugh or talk through why the asymmetrical bob is not a great idea one more time.

Investing in these relationships is important. You will get far more than you ever imagined both from being supported and being able to offer support to someone you care about. Whether your tribe is you and a your bestie or you’ve got teams ready to spring into action at the sight of your S.O.S. text, make sure there’s someone who “gets” you. A tribe that loves you for who you are, will tell you when you’re being unreasonable and would never let you get an asymmetrical bob.

So, you know what’s awesome about being a mom? As soon as you get one child, life event or general area of concern situated; another one falls apart. It’s awesome. It’s what I like to call spinning plates. You’ve all seen that guy/gal that starts one plate spinning—everyone claps. Then they get the second one going—people are impressed. By the time the third plate is up and spinning, the crowd is going wild! It’s a delicate balance–the plate spinner runs in between each plate giving it a little attention so it won’t come crashing to the ground. They have to quickly and carefully judge which plate is in need of the most assistance (read: closest to crashing and breaking). Sound familiar?

If you have multiple children, or even one child and a life, you are probably spinning plates all day long. You have to assess who is in what state of need and how you can continue to keep all of your plates spinning without anyone crashing to the ground. Except, unlike our friend the professional plate spinner, none of us have ever been trained in this art. And, most of us really don’t like it.

You know exactly what I’m talking about. You have one child struggling in school. You start spinning. You dedicate extra time to help them. Maybe you find them a tutor? You build up their ability and confidence. Then, slowly, but, surely they start spinning all on their own. They figure it out. You are proud and happy and feel like you may actually be doing something right in this parenting game. But, look out, plate number two is starting to wobble and you’d better get over there!

Plate number two could be another child, an issue at work, your parents—you name it! The point is, you didn’t even get to enjoy the one plate spinning before you were off to the next trying to prevent it from falling. You’re running form plate to plate, they are all barely spinning and no one is applauding you—AT ALL.

This is the trouble with motherhood. There are so many plates and very rarely do you ever get a chance to sit back and enjoy watching them spin. It can be overwhelming. It can be frustrating. It can also be fun, humorous and fulfilling. Unfortunately, you usually only get to the latter after you’ve been through the former. So, you have to live through the running around, the spinning, the sweating, the self-doubt, the cursing (don’t judge, I have a lot of plates), before you get to the part where you realize your plates are ok. They may have wobbled a bit; you may have thought you were going to loose a few along the way, but you managed to keep them all spinning.

So, while this carnival side-show is definitely not for everyone, some of us were meant to do just this. This is where we shine. It usually doesn’t feel like it. Usually, it feels like a lot of doubt, uncertainty and wishful thinking. But, the plates are still spinning, right? Sometimes that has to be the achievement. Because lots of people couldn’t even get one of those things started and look how many you’ve got up and relatively stable. So, while you’re running from plate to plate, give yourself some credit. You’re still running, you’re not giving up and you haven’t let anyone fall and crash yet.

So, my plate spinning mamas, know you are not alone. You’ve got this. This side show is a wild ride and you wouldn’t be starring in it unless you could handle it. Even if most days it’s without the applause, the adoring fans and the high praise—you are a star! One day, your audience will look back and realize your talent; they’ll appreciate your dedication to your craft. They may even ask for a revival. But, don’t do that—this show is only around for one run—thank God!

Here it comes, you can feel it approaching. It’s like that terrible dream you have when you’re being chased. Only, it’s not a predator—it’s the HOLIDAYS! We’ve just made through back-to-school—sort of–and now we’ve got Halloween staring us in the face. Someone really should have planned some of this out a little better.

I tell myself every year that I’m not going to go crazy. I announce in my head that I’ll have all of my Christmas shopping done by the end of November—usually I haven’t even started by then. And, inevitably, I find myself flailing through October, November and December with multiple to-do lists and a lot of Amazon expedited shipping.

Not This Year

I have decided that this year things will be different. Now, there will most likely be lots of lists and voice memos to myself, and I will surely be paying to get something in 2 days. But, I’ve decided that I’m going to change my focus. You see, after years of trying to master this crazy season, I’ve determined—it’s not going to happen. Don’t get me wrong, I intend to be as organized as possible and I’m sure I’ll get everything done, like always. I’m just removing the expectation that this year it will somehow be magically different. Because, it won’t.

I will surely face all of the same panic shopping, marathon cooking, time crunches and internet searches that I have for the last—as long as I can remember. What I’m going to change this year is the way I look at it. I am no longer going to judge myself or complain or hold myself to ridiculous expectations of perfection. I’m not going to give myself a hard time if I can’t locate the exact color mermaid pillow that is being requested. I’m not going to be upset that the gift card is my jam because I really have no creative ideas as to what to buy for anyone—probably because no one I buy for really wants anything. I’m also not going to complain about “having” to buy things, bake things, or attend parties. In true reality, not the one inside my head, these are all blessings. I’m lucky I have people to buy for, bake for and party with. A lot of these awesome people I only get to see at this time of year. I’m going to stop complaining and start appreciating. Lastly, I’m going to give myself a BREAK. I’m not going to freak out if there are only two kinds of pie at Thanksgiving because we usually have three. I’m going to give no flips if I bring in a host of store bought, gluten filled, high fructose corn syrup treats to the school Halloween party. If I can’t wrangle three kids to get a Christmas picture I may—GASP—skip the cards this year!

You see friends, this season is coming and we have no control over it. What we can control is how we approach it. We can give ourselves permission to do it our own way. We will be bombarded with images of all of the amazing women who make napkin rings from gourds and twine, mull their own cider and make their own wrapping paper. Good for them! I love that these are things bring them joy. I’ve decided that this year the people are the most important to me. And, my people can barely remember to use their napkins, they couldn’t care less about cider and won’t even notice that their gifts were wrapped because they’ll tear into them in 0.5 seconds. I am going to stop and ask myself my good ole’ “ten year” question at least once a day.

Forget The Stress, Bring The Joy!

Will this matter to anyone in 10 years??? Will my kids remember the kind of sweet potatoes I served at Thanksgiving? Will they remember that I went to 4 different craft stores to try to turn them into a wolf for Halloween? Probably not. But, they will remember their mom being in a perpetually bad mood from October through January. They’ll remember holidays filled with panic and stress. And, that’s not what I’m going for. When I sat back and thought about what it is that makes this such a stressful time of year, it wasn’t the holidays. I like those; I LOVE those. The stress comes from all of the “stuff.” But guess what? I don’t have to do all of the “stuff.” I don’t have to do any of it! It will take a minute to break these old habits and I probably won’t successfully shake them all, but I’m going to do my best. I’m going to ask myself with every holiday task, does this bring joy? If not, I’m going to think about skipping it.

So, it starts now, with this season. I will focus on having fun with my kids. I will get rid of the idea of the perfect costume or the quintessential centerpiece. I will remind myself that I only get a handful of these holidays with these little people and I want them to be filled with laughs and smiles and silliness and joy. I invite you to do it with me, give up your unrealistic expectations and embrace the chaos that will ensue. Also, don’t take it personally if you don’t get a Christmas card this year—they may not make the cut.

Am I the only mom who does not like children’s birthday parties? I love celebrating birthdays and they are a big deal in our house. I want my children to feel special and loved and get to have a day that’s all about them. I just don’t want to involve twenty of their closest friends.

I also don’t want to spend the bulk of my weekend attending the parties of other people’s children. I love my children’s friends. I’m happy they have birthdays. I just don’t want to block off my Saturday and Sunday for them. And, no matter how “simple” the party, that’s exactly what happens.

The Perfect Gift

Prior to attending the party you have to investigate and source a gift. Depending on your social circle, you could be forced to find something “creative” possibly including personalization—this is one step too far for me, personally. I’m lucky if I remember the gift the week of the party. I would never remember in time to have it monogrammed or bedazzled or whatever the kids do these days. Then, there is the elaborate wrapping that comes into play. You people with your fancy raffia bows and tule draped boxes—you’re just making the rest of us look bad. If I am feeling creative, I will curl some ribbon with scissors, otherwise, your child is getting a gift bag. Now, if you are the mother of boys, you will never know this horror. You will be able to go to any store, buy a video game gift card, throw it into a card and be a hero. Your car will smell like a locker room for 3-7 years, but birthday gifts are a breeze, because God is very fair.

So, there’s at least a few hours of my life gone and we haven’t even made it to the party yet. And, these parties are HOURS long. I’m not sure when this happened. I remember the handwritten Hallmark birthday invites of my youth and I’m pretty sure parties were 11:00-1:00 or 1:00-3:00. Now, these parties are up to FOUR hours long! I don’t think my wedding reception was four hours long. What in the world can a bunch of five year-olds do for four hours? More importantly, what are the adults that have to hang out there with their kids supposed to do? If you exceed the two-hour mark, I think you are obligated to have a bar or a nap room for parents. And, four hours means your whole day is kind of a wash. If you happen to have more than one child, you will not only be doing this at a ridiculous frequency, but, you’ll have to find something for the rest of your children/family to do while you’re on birthday safari.

Why? Why are we all doing this? Can’t we just have some friends over, eat some cake, run around outside and call it good? Do we need to make pottery, have a bake-off, a giant waterslide? I’m pretty sure the kids would have fun with or without all of the bells and whistles.

So. Much. Work.

I am not judging. I am as guilty as anyone. Part of the problem is that I do love a party. Whether it’s a cocktail party for adults or a luau for a six year-old, I get very into it. I will go full Pinterest troll. I have been known to make sushi out of Rice Krispies, hire a real-life pony, craft individual tea hats and gloves, make a multi-tiered cake from scratch—I get into it. I totally get how easy it is to slip down the rabbit hole and end up high off paint pen fumes from personalizing race car water bottles at 2:00 a.m. I get it. But, the goal is becoming your best self, and admitting you have a problem is the first step.

Then, there is the aftermath. No one I know needs or wants one more toy brought into their home. Never mind the Christmas-sized haul these kids get when they have a guest list in the double digits. The opening ceremonies for these gifts is akin to a bridal shower—someone (read:YOU) has to write down what was received from whom so that thank you notes may be appropriately sent. We are trying not to raise animals here and teach these kids some manners. But, getting your seven year-old to write twenty thank you notes weeks after their party is also a not what I would call a super fun task. You can try the “no gifts” tact, but you and I both know nobody listens to that. I certainly don’t. I’m not showing up to a kid’s party without a gift –I don’t need that on my karma. So, you’ve had a party and now you have to clean out a closet and covertly purge your child’s belongings just to make space for the loot. This is all a lot of work.

I’m sure we can all think of better ways to socialize both our children and ourselves than to spend to four hours on a Saturday at a Frozen-themed party. There has to be a better option than losing a day of your life in a smelly and loud trampoline park. I don’t know the answer and I don’t have time to think about it too much because I have to buy and wrap two presents for the birthday parties we have this weekend!

It seems that everyone is hot on the gratitude train these days. There was recently an article in Time Magazine that enumerated the health benefits of gratitude. We are hearing about it more than ever through social media, books and podcasts. So, what’s so great about gratitude?

I would venture to guess that most of us are, on the whole, grateful. We are thankful for our health, safety and well-being. We take time to think about these things once a year when we eat turkey in November. When something unfortunate happens around us; we are sure to count our blessings. But, how many of us are practicing gratitude on a daily basis? I use the word “practicing” because I believe that to cultivate gratitude on a daily basis; it takes practice. You have to really tune in to what’s going on around you. It forces you to be present. It forces you to pay attention.

I know this may sound suspicious and a little woo-woo to some of you, but there is science to back me up. And, trying a daily gratitude practice falls firmly under the category “things that can’t hurt,” so, why not give it a try?

Seek And Ye Shall Find

A daily gratitude practice can be whatever works for you. Maybe you list ten things you’re grateful for at the end of each day? Perhaps you start your day with the three things you are most grateful for and focus on them throughout the day? The idea and effect are the same—when you place any focus on gratitude you are forcing your brain to search for reasons to be grateful. And, when you are focused on identifying these little nuggets of gratitude, you’d be surprised what you find.

Daily gratitude allows you to see all of the little things that go right during your day. You have exactly one clean pair of pants left when you’re getting ready for work, you hear your favorite song as your stuck at a traffic light, one of your kids tells you a joke that’s actually funny. Winning! These are all winning moments. It’s these little things that we usually breeze over. It’s not that we don’t recognize them or appreciate them in the moment, we do. But, the moment passes and so does that sweet feeling. That feeling is actually serotonin and dopamine—the feel good chemicals that make your brain and body happy. See? Science.

Get What’s Coming To You

Don’t let those moments pass you by. You recognize them when they’re happening; you enjoy them. They just get lost in the 45,987 other things and thoughts you’ve got going on throughout your day. You’ve got a wealth of feel-good waiting for you. You just have to cash it in. In our hectic lives, this feel-good will come in handy. When you want to scream because you forgot to take in that dry cleaning; you’ll find your one pair of clean pants. When you begin to freak out because you got caught at that light; your jam will come on the radio. And, just when you think that child of yours is beyond redemption; they’ll make you belly laugh.

Gratitude is a great player in the currency of happiness. Mind your account. Try to keep track and watch as your balance grows. Know that it’s not a zero-sum game. Just because you’re practicing daily gratitude doesn’t mean you won’t ever run into a bad day. But, it does increase your chances of putting that bad day into perspective. It gives you the ability to know that even if it felt like everything went wrong; there were still plenty of things that went right. As the saying goes: it’s hard to be unhappy and grateful at the same time.

So, take the time and start keeping track. Get a fancy journal or just write it down in your phone. Get up early and dedicate some quiet time to finding things that make you feel grateful or use the time in the never-ending car line to think of 3 things. There are no rules. There is no right way to do it. There is nothing too big or too small. You will be amazed at the happiness clean pants can bring you when you’re paying attention.

I’m concerned. I have deep, troubling worry for the small people I co-habit with in my home. You see, these people seem to have compromised senses. At certain points in time they loose their ability to see, hear, smell—you name it. I’m worried that they may have a serious condition that requires treatment.

Can You Hear Me, Now?

Let’s start with the intermittent loss of hearing. This happens a lot. It’s especially common when I’m asking them to do something like; pick up their wet towel, empty the dishwasher, make their lunch. They simply are unable to hear me. I know this because after repeating myself 367 times and finally screaming the 368^th time, they are shocked by my request. There is a genuine look of surprise as they explain to me, “I didn’t hear you say that.” It’s perplexing because they never seem to miss anything I say that revolves around taking them somewhere, buying them something, or food. Also concerning is the fact that I am fairly good at projecting my voice, and in at least 246 of the requests I made, said small person was looking directly at me—full eye contact. I am considering taking them to an audiologist to have them studied. Surely, there is some groundbreaking condition that can be discovered and a treatment that we could spread worldwide to any other small people that are currently suffering the same malady.

I Don’t See It

These same little cherubs are often taken with the inability to see. Again, and thankfully, this is only intermittent. Their temporary blindness acts up frequently when they’re looking for something. I can give explicit instructions as to where to find it like , “on the third shelf of the pantry on the right, directly next to the crackers,” but alas, they just “don’t see it.” The temporary blindness is gratefully cured the minute I walk into the room and point out said item. It’s a miracle and a blessing that sight has been restored! Unfortunately, the condition will flare up again later when I enter my kitchen to see the remnants of someone’s meal strewn across the counter. Once I bring the offending child in to ask about the mess, they will again loose their precious sight and tell me they “didn’t see it. “ I’m not sure a team of doctors can help us, but I’m currently investigating to “see” if there is hope.

How Do You Not Smell That?

Anosmia is the loss of smell. It appears that all of my children have this, but again it comes and goes. It’s so strange. They can always smell food, especially when I’m making something they’re not interested in eating. This sensory loss seems to be more specific to smells that pertain to them. For instance, they are unable to smell the sweaty jersey that has been zipped into a backpack for the better part of a week. They can’t seem to make out the odor emanating from their own bodies after 2 hours of rigorous physical activity. It’s very odd because any other person in our home can smell these odors from MILES away. Perhaps this is a specific condition the renders you unable to detect your own smelliness? I have some calls in to ear, nose and throat specialists to try to get to the bottom of this.

So, as you can imagine, I’m concerned. Are all three of my children medical anomalies? Will they be ok? Will these debilitating conditions persist into adulthood? I’m not sure. I can only hope and pray that we get some answers from the bright minds in the medical field. I am totally willing to volunteer them to be studied for the greater good of humanity. There has to be some larger syndrome that explains these conditions. It can’t possibly be that they don’t listen or pay attention to me, their beloved mother?

What to do when your people are struggling? How do you handle it when there is turmoil in the lives of those you love? What’s the best way to move through it and not let it get the best of you? Focus on yourself.

All You

I get that this sounds counter-intuitive. All this chaos surely requires more attention from you. You probably have to focus more time on the people/problem and less on yourself, right? I don’t think so. I’m suggesting that putting whatever issues that are bubbling up in your life front and center is actually the worst thing that you could do.

I’m not suggesting avoidance. Like most of us, I’m a fixer. I see a problem and immediately try to figure out a solution. Tell me there isn’t a solution, and I can’t wait to prove you wrong. But, sometimes, I think I may be wrong. I can’t believe I put that in writing—I qualified it with “sometimes.” Clearly, I must feel strongly about this, or I’ve temporarily lost my mind. In all seriousness, sometimes in the effort to fix; we cause more damage.

We fixers like to tackle (read:obsess) our problems head-on. We want to get right in there and start dissecting it piece by piece to ensure a swift and savvy solution. This often works. But, what if it’s not our problem? Being a partner/parent comes with the unique opportunity of taking on things that don’t belong to you. We are tied into these people. A large piece of our heart resides with them. Our happiness is certainly linked together in many ways. It’s incredibly difficult for a fixer to see someone they love go through a difficult situation and ignore their instinct to fix.

Again, I’m not suggesting you don’t offer help/support/guidance when problems arise. Especially in the case of our children, we are obligated to offer them tools or resources when they face challenges. It’s our duty as parents to help them figure some of this life stuff out. It’s the same for our partners. We can’t help but offer support and love to someone who means so much to us. But, once we’ve done this part, we need to get back to focusing on ourselves.

Don’t Pick Up Things That Don’t Belong To You

We need to focus on what makes us happy. We need to start keeping a gratitude journal, practice meditation, exercise—work on improving ourselves. Is this selfish when someone we love is struggling? Nope. I submit it is one of the best ways you can help those you love. You see, fixers are great. We have problem solving skills, determination, drive—but sometimes we don’t know when to quit. We take on all of our loved one’s challenges as our own and that’s not helping anybody.

I’m not saying that this is easy for people like us. It’s not. Someone is picking on your child at school? It’s hard to not wonder between the hours of 8-3 if today was better than yesterday? Did they use any of the tools you tried to teach them? Partner struggling at work? You have to really resist your urge to map out a new career path that solves all of their problems. I get it. I just don’t think necessarily helps your people. Because, now? You and your person are both in the middle of said problem. You are no longer the objective helper or voice of reason. You want to go to school and punch a third grader and tell your partner’s boss where to go. See? Not really helpful.

What is more helpful is to focus on being the best version of yourself; to make yourself happy. This version of you is what your people need when they’re struggling. They need you to be thoughtful, not reactive. You help them by being there. You are enough already, just as you are. Taking on their struggle only leads to yours.

So, my suggestion when you struggle with the urge to fix is: fix yourself. There surely is something positive that you can do for yourself. Sign up for a half-marathon, start a yoga practice, take an online class. Will this “fix” your loved ones problems? Absolutely not. But, it may help you show up for them in a much better way. In the event of an emergency, you’re supposed to put on your oxygen mask FIRST, then, assist others. Notice that it says “assist” others, not “fix” others. So, if things start getting bumpy, put on your mask. Find something positive for you, so you can assist others. And, then, wait your turn—you’ll need some assistance with your mask at some point too.

So, the fabulous part about life is that there’s always something going on, and the frustrating part about life is—there’s always something going on. I ran into a friend the other day in the middle of Target and we did a quick catch-up. We both had the same synopsis: everything’s good, everyone’s happy, we’re so blessed, but we’d like a minute to slow down. We laughed that in twenty or thirty years we’ll be at home, with no kids to raise or shuttle anywhere and probably be bored out of minds. Why can’t we spread some of this stuff out?

My guess is because that’s not how life works. This is the hard part, you only get one shot at this thing and you can’t always control the speed at which it moves. When you are a new parent the days can drag on forever while you’re waiting for a baby to wake up so you can leave the house, or praying they’ll finally fall asleep so you can take a shower. You’re tied to a little person’s schedule and it sometimes feels like the longest 12 hours you’ve ever had.

Then your kids are bigger. They’re in school and 400 activities. And, guess what? You’re tied to their schedules. You’re transporting (or arranging for transport) all over town. Your weekend is taken over by sporting events and whatever school project happens to be due Monday. Your Wednesday evening may be hijacked by acquiring all of the items they need to make a volcano—TOMORROW! You’re in charge, but sometimes you’re not in control.

The second you have a child, your time is no longer your own. It makes no difference if you work in or out of your home—you are on someone else’s schedule now. It’s not something that you think about too often, but it’s the truth of every parent. Now, I’m not suggesting your children run your household and dictate the day-to-day goings on—that is a hard NO for me. But, you have a responsibility to your children, and part of that is putting them out in the world to participate in all things life.

Everybody Wants A Piece

I read a great book by Samantha Ettus called, The Pie Life. In it, she describes your life and time as a pie. The more people/responsibilities you add, the more you have to divide it up. Not rocket science, but, great food for thought. You can’t spend an hour and half getting yourself ready in the morning when you also have to get small people out the door. You can’t just have a leisurely dinner out with your husband on a Tuesday because now someone has ballet practice. So, you’ve got to think about how you want your pie to look. You have to take a minute and be deliberate about how and where you’re spending your time.

You also have to realize that the make-up of your pie is going to change—like all of the time. The super fun thing about having children is that, like snow flakes, no two days are alike. Although you may feel like it’s Groundhog Day over and over, you rarely get the same day twice. So you’ve got to think about the pie every day. How much time are you spending taking care of your kids? Spending time with your person in a meaningful way? Working? Doing something for you? There is only so much of you to go around. Some days you will nail the distribution of that pie, and other days, you will fail miserably. But, it’s not really a failure. It’s just a day with odd-shaped pieces. They’re going to happen. You’ve got a sick kid? You can just allocate half of that pie to nursing. Is your partner going through something and you need to be there for emotional support? You need to move the pieces around. Decided that you are dedicating the next 30 days to an exercise program? You better make room in that pie!

Stuck In The Middle

The good news and the bad news are the same: it’s not forever. This middle part has us cut up into lots of pieces. Wonderful, laughter-filled, love-filled, stress-filled pieces are what we have now. Someday, we will have just a few pieces and they’ll probably be dedicated to our own pursuits. We will be on our own schedule and get to piece out our pie whichever way we like. But, today is not that day. Today, you have 2 kids going to two different places at the same time, you’re launching a business, you’re trying to be a good daughter/friend/partner/global citizen—it’s hard to find a sliver of sanity in there.

Don’t be too hard on yourself when your pieces are crazy-shaped and someone didn’t get theirs—you’ll do better tomorrow. Maybe everyone doesn’t get a piece every day? That’s ok, they’ll appreciate it (you) more tomorrow. You’re not always going to have enough pie. But, the good news is you get a whole new pie tomorrow. And, no matter how you divide it up, you’ve got to save a small piece for yourself. Don’t give it all away. Save a little piece for yourself and know that all of the pie recipients will be better off because you did. Know that even though you feel pulled apart in a million pieces some days you’re still whole. The sum of those pieces makes you whole. You’re a whole pie full of love, intelligence, kindness and awesomeness—that’s why everybody wants a piece in the first place!

Is it OK to just want to quit? To really think about what will happen if you just crawl back in bed and pull the covers over your head? Because some days, my friends, we are all over it. Like, if one more thing in this house breaks, I may loose my mind. If I have to tell these people one more time to PUT THEIR PERSONAL BELONGINGS AWAY, yet again, it’s possible that I may not recover. If anyone living here has a commentary about what’s for dinner, it’s entirely possible that I may run away from home and never return.

Our lives our filled with SO many things. And, my frustration is that none of these things ever comes with an easy one-step solution. I could do one-step solutions—I could do those all day! I could make that list and cross those bad boys off and be good. It’s the multi-step, Pandora’s Box nonsense that really gets to me. Wake up to a leaking kitchen faucet—ok, no problem, these things happen. One step, call plumber; wonderful plumber will fix it. Nope, not today. Today, this faucet has a special ring on the inside, one that has to be special ordered from Zimbabwe and will take two weeks. In the meantime, you can pony up for a whole new faucet or live with the leaking until your super-special part arrives—nonsense. Why can’t it just be fixed? Why are there ALWAYS so many steps? Maybe you have a question, or, God help you, a discrepancy with your pediatrician’s latest bill? Get ready for at least six phone calls to five different people and to loose an hour of your life that you’ll never get back. Why? Why does everything seem to take so much longer than it should?

Uncle!

Maybe it’s me? Maybe in this instant information age, I have grown impatient. Maybe I just don’t have the stamina to sustain fourteen different steps and three forms of ID to return a pair of pants? I’m willing to take the blame. I’m owning it. Maybe I’m not cut our for the frustration of driving fifteen miles to a specialty store to pay over-inflated prices for sporting equipment to find that they only have two sizes of cleats available. Two sizes? How can you even call yourself a store if you have no items to sell? I’m so confused and annoyed and I’m over it.

The problem with me being over it is that no one is coming to help. There is no one to call in “over it” to; no one to tell that I just quit. You see, if I quit, nothing really happens. Well, that’s not true, all of the annoying things that I hate to do will just pile up and accumulate. Then, after I’ve returned from “over it” vacation, I’ll be faced with ten times the things that were there before. Because, I don’t have a back up. Even with a partner, there’s no real back-up. Your partner is usually busy doing their part of the list, and they’re probably over it too!

So, my friends, there is no solution, there’s no way out. This is adulting. And, that “adulting is hard” meme is popular for a reason! It’s not always the big stuff that gets us. Obviously, things like– job changes, moving, loss—we know those are tough, but they’re supposed to be; we’re expecting it. I submit that the little things like: trying to renew your driver’s license or locating Native American stickers (true story) or find a pair of jeans that fit—these are the ones that really put us over the edge. These are tasks that should be easy. These should be fantastic, easy wins. Things we put on that list and should be able to cross off within minutes; leaving us with an insane sense of accomplishment and pride. But, that’s not happening. This year you have to make and appointment and go to the DMV in person. Native American stickers are available, but your craft store only has one sheet, but lucky for you, the one across town has more! You’ve worn the same style and size jeans since God was a boy; you didn’t even try them on, and apparently they no longer fit!

This is why I am over it. I’m done. I’m calling it quits. I am taking this whole day to do none of these ridiculous multi-step tasks. I will refuse. I will live off the grid without a license, stickers or pants. I will take back my life!

Or…I will breathe deeply, vent to my girlfriends, the store clerk or anyone who will listen. I will try to remember that being kind while doing these things is important because the people on the receiving end of my task did nothing to deserve my frustration—they’ve probably got their own “over it” list. I will take a breath and re-group and take a license picture worthy of a magazine cover. I will acquire so many Native American stickers, I’ll have enough for when the next child has to do this project. I will go to the store and find my NEW favorite pair of jeans, because eventually pants will become paramount. I will do all of these things and I’ll be nice about it. These strange tasks are mine and mine alone. I will try to enjoy the oddity and amusement they bring to my life. But, people had better start putting away their things and keeping their culinary critiques to themselves, because, I’m OVER IT!

This is the question my seven year-old asked me when I was showing her pictures of my annual girls’ trip with all of my college besties. It really made me stop and think—why IS my smile so big?

I’m a happy gal. I smile all the time and have the lines to prove it. But, my daughter is right– my smile is so big when I’m with these ladies. Why do I feel so much joy around them? Why do I laugh so much harder at everything they say and do?

It’s not that I love them any more than my other close friends. I just love them differently. I’ve known them since I was just a kid myself. They’ve seen all versions of me. Some of these versions are not the most flattering. They’ve been here through the evolution. They’ve helped with it, too.

You see, as we grow older, I think there are very few people who can call us on all of our stuff. There are very few people who can say anything to you; people who you listen to without judgment. You listen because you know that even if it’s something you don’t want to hear, they’re saying it with love. These people are not afraid to tell you that your necklace is ugly, your clogs are no longer cute and they’re really glad you divorced your first husband. They’re not afraid because they love you. They say these things because they want you to be the best version of you. They say these things, often times, because nobody else will. They say these things and you have to listen.

You have to listen. This is sometimes hard. Lots of times they say things you don’t want to hear, and then, they say them again—just in case you missed it the first time. One of the beauties of this meet-up is that it’s annual. These friends of mine are not directly involved in the goings on of my day-to-day life. Sure, we’re always in contact and they get the main ideas. But, these are not the people helping me with school pick-ups or standing with me at soccer games. These are my high-level consultants.

They’re able to provide a perspective that is unique. The know me intimately and have for a long time, but they’re not mixed up in the everyday nonsense with me; so they can cut through all the stuff. They ask hard questions—usually the ones I’ve been asking myself, but avoiding. They’re not trying to tell me what to do, rather they’re making me realize that I already know the answer; that maybe there is no answer and that’s ok too. Sometimes, they just listen because most of life’s larger problems don’t have easy solutions. They may try to offer ideas, but they don’t sugar coat it, they don’t try to tell me it’s all going to be ok, because sometimes it’s not. They do this because they love me. I do the same thing for them because the feeling is mutual.

This kind of unconditional love and acceptance is a rare find. It’s the kind of love where you can talk about a heartbreaking loss one minute and your greatest triumph the next. The kind of love that can have you laughing right through your tears. The kind of love that lets you feel all of the feels. The kind of love that leaves you comforted knowing that, no matter what these people have your back. They love just as you are. They don’t like your necklace, but they’re not going to be mad at you if you don’t take it off. They’re going to make fun of you for your clogs, but no one else had better say a word to you about them. They may not have been a fan of your first husband, but they kept it to themselves and supported you until you were ready to hear it.

So, when you’re around this kind of love there is really no other option but, to smile big. Smile big, because these are some of the most special people you know and you get to spend a whole weekend soaking them up. Smile big, because you can make fun of each other and laugh at your own expense. Smile big because no matter how old you are, dancing until your feet hurt is a great idea.

I hadn’t noticed the size of my smile until my daughter pointed it out to me. I didn’t really think about all of the reasons behind that smile. Now that I have, I only wish that when my daughter is bigger she has the same kind of love surrounding her. I hope she smiles SO big!