I’m all about a New Year. I love a fresh start. New wall calendar, new planner—don’t get me started on what this does to my Type A self! I even like goal setting and reflecting on the past year; what went well and what needs work. What I don’t love is this idea that wherever we find ourselves on January 1st is a complete disaster and needs to be overhauled immediately. Like we need to scrap the whole thing and come up with a newer, better self. Why?
I’m not saying that the New Year isn’t a logical time to take a minute and see where we are. We all get so busy doing life; we sometimes find ourselves arriving at a destination not sure how or why we got there. So, by all means, take a look around. Think about what’s important to you. What big dreams do you have for this year? Maybe you’re starting a business or quitting your job to be at home with your kids? Perhaps your goals are smaller—like, you’d like to stop being late everywhere you go or keep the plants in your house alive? Whatever you determine is important to you, I wholeheartedly believe that you must make it a priority.
But, this idea that we need to fix everything that we perceive is “wrong” in January is, quite frankly, dumb. First of all, the real truth is that most of us are doing a pretty good job. Most of us hold jobs, keep a lot of human and some animal life forms alive and manage to have a friend or two that thinks we are a pretty good time. That alone is an accomplishment. This life is no joke, and, putting yourself out there to participate in so many facets of it counts. It counts. It’s an accomplishment in itself.
So, let’s first recognize that instead of everything being “wrong,” everything is mostly all right. We more than likely have everything we truly need to be happy. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t seek or want for more; it means you’re allowed to BE happy while you seek and want for more. You’re allowed to know that you have a lot more to be and accomplish in this life, while enjoying where you are right now.
So, instead of tearing yourself apart for not working out five days a week or not finishing your great novel or drinking diet Coke—start with what’s good. What are you doing really well? Then think about how you got there. The odds are the areas in your life where you’re killing it are the ones you’ve paid attention to in the recent past. Where focus goes, energy flows—as they say. So, maybe you can find a way to focus on one or two more things this year that will bring you joy or peace or just make you feel like a rockstar?
Figure out a plan. You can’t do anything without a plan. It doesn’t need to be an Excel spreadsheet; you can write with crayon on a napkin, for all I care. But, in lives as full as ours, I can assure you, you don’t stand much of a chance without a clear plan. Next, be prepared that said plan won’t work or will need to be revised—that’s OK—it’s kind of the whole point. If your goals were easily attainable you probably would have already reached them by now. Finally, you need to be patient. That doesn’t mean you patiently wait for all of your goals to achieve themselves; that you don’t actively hustle or hold yourself accountable. It does mean that you are kind to yourself. That you take a minute to realize that all of the areas where you ARE crushing it took time. You just don’t show up with a new business in a month, you build it. You don’t just start meditating and magically never yell at your kids again. Everything is a process; a work in progress. Life, being the ultimate work in progress.
So, give yourself a break. It’s a new year, but, we don’t need a whole new you. The you you are already is pretty great. Like all great works of art, she could probably use a little tweaking. She has limitless potential and is capable of anything she sets her mind to—there’s a lot of different directions that she can go. Pick your path, make your plan and look out!
That’s easy. I’d like to be a man for just one Christmas. Now, don’t misunderstand, I’m not having a gender identity crisis. I very much love being a woman—girl power; girls rule, boys drool—I’m all about celebrating women and all of our awesomeness. However, when it comes to getting ready for Christmas, just once, I’d like to see how the other half lives.
I know I said I was not going to stress. I know I had good intentions and a well thought out plan, but that was in November. We are in mid-December now, and everything I said was clearly a lie. Almost every one of my girlfriends that I’ve spoken to in the last week is in my same boat. We want to enjoy the season, we don’t want to snap at our loved ones, have no patience and be in a perpetually bad mood—but there are SO. MANY. THINGS. TO. DO.
In my non-scientific research, none of the male counter parts of said girlfriends are feeling any stress at all. As a matter of fact, one might actually call them blissfully ignorant. It’s like they have no idea that Christmas is a) coming or b) any kind of a big deal. My girlfriend always says her husband is Santa’s biggest believer because when he wakes on Christmas morning the presents for all three of her children have, in fact, magically appeared!
If I Were A Boy
Now, let me also go on record that I LOVE men. I am surrounded by wonderful men in my life, as are most of my girl tribe. Men are amazing creatures that should be valued and appreciated. However, I would like everyone to stop pretending that men have anything to do with the organization of the Christmas holiday.
Christmas cards, Christmas pageant costumes, cookies for the cookie exchange, purchasing, wrapping and shipping all the things—our friends with Y chromosomes, are doing NONE of these activities. And, odds are they don’t know these activities exist. If they do know that they exist my guess is that they think they’re kind of “pointless” and don’t “get what the big deal is.”
Men are not worried that each kid is getting an equal amount of presents. They don’t wake up in the middle of the night wondering if they already got their mother-in-law a bathrobe last year? They have no knowledge of the intricacies of Christmas shipping and the importance of timing so you’re not waiting for the motherlode to arrive on December 23rd. They’re not aware that Amazon Prime is no longer really true after December 1st(which is an entirely different blog, but shame on you Amazon—we’ve been cool all year, really?). Men think about Christmas maybe a week prior, when they lovingly ask if there is anything you’d like for Christmas? Which either makes your day, or sends you into a fit of hysteria.
Maybe They’re Right?
I mean, tell no one that I suggested it, but maybe the men have been doing it right all of this time? Why do we women make such a big deal out of everything Christmas related? What happens if we don’t get Christmas cards out? Buy cookies instead of bake them? Give gift cards to everyone with no shame in our game? Maybe men are on to something? Why are we continually holding ourselves to such a demanding and sometimes impossible standard?
And, let’s be honest, lots of these wonderful men are perfectly happy and willing to help us. But, we make that hard. We have specific ideas in our head and don’t like to relinquish control (I mean I’ve heard some women do this). We’ve created this weird space where there are millions of very specific tasks to be completed, that we feel only we are competent to do–then we get overwhelmed and stressed— it’s a real mystery.
I wish I had the answer. I wish we could start a stress-free Christmas movement. But, the reality is I think those of us that love Christmas and have fond memories of it throughout our lives just want to re-create some of that magic for those we love. We want to keep all of the little traditions that we loved and incorporate new ones as we grow our own families. To do that, we will have to own it like millions of mothers that came before us. We have to give ourselves a break and realize that no matter how good our intentions; we will most likely have at least one freak-out in December. Something on that list won’t get done, arrive on time or will just be an epic fail.
So, my fabulous Christmas sisters, stay strong! We are in the home stretch. We’ve done this countless times before and have all made it out relatively unscathed. Be nice to the sweet men that truly don’t get why we are all so crazy. Take a deep breath and give yourself some grace. Your people will love you and Christmas no matter how many things on that list get done. Know that wine is your friend and sometimes cookies really do make you feel better. And, if you do nothing else, double-check those Amazon ship dates. Merry Christmas mammas!!
Who doesn’t love a Christmas card? I can tell you. It’s all of the mothers that have to orchestrate a photo shoot, bribe children and put the cards together. They certainly love the finished product and are happy to distribute them to their friends and family. But, any mother who tells you she loves putting her Christmas card together is suspect in my book.
The picture is 90% of your Christmas card dilemma. If you are a forward thinker, and do regular family photos, you’re a step ahead. Of course, you’ve got to schedule them early enough so they are ready for card use. If you can manage this, you have a litany of professional photos to choose from and, you are winning at life. If you’re like the other 95% of moms, Christmas has inexplicably appeared earlier than you anticipated and you find yourself rolling into December with exactly no pictures of any of your children. How did this happen? Sure, you’ve got pictures of one kid, but not all of them together. In the photos that include all of your children only one is actually looking at the camera or not in the middle of an eye roll. You have a copious amount of pictures of them making weird faces, hitting each other or perfecting a Fortnite dance, but those don’t really evoke the holiday spirit. So, if you’re out on the professional photos, you’re going to need one—I’m sorry.
Depending on the ages of your children, this can be the most difficult thing you do all year. If your children are of an age where you need an up to the minute photo to reflect their ever changing, cherub like faces, you’re life just got exponentially harder. Here’s where I will attempt to bring relief to you mothers of young babes—use the last, best picture you have in your phone or on your camera. I know that you know that little Johnny is two months older now and looks completely different, but guess what? No one else does, nor do they care. The sweet recipients of your card are just so happy to see any image of little Johnny; they don’t care if it reflects his true chronological age. Do yourself a favor and choose a picture you already have.
If your kids are older, your problems are a bit different. They either have no interest in taking any kind of pictures for any reason, or they fancy themselves a budding art director and want to take 10,000 pictures when you’re really only looking for ONE! Either way, you’ve got issues. You are usually forced into bribing or threatening the unwilling –don’t judge, these cards all take time to ship and you don’t want to be doing this until the end of December. Or, you are forced to endure the hour long photo shoot with your pre-teen daughter along with the numerous hours pouring over photo selection, editing and the emotional break down that will surely occur—notice I didn’t mention who’s breakdown? Could be hers? Could be yours? Could be both? Merry Christmas!
So, why do we do it? I have friends who have opted out of sending Christmas cards—we’re still friends. Why do the rest of us subject ourselves to this each and every year? My theory is because we love receiving them. We love getting a glimpse at our college roommates/old neighbors/childhood friends. That little 5×7 piece of cardstock–perhaps with foil, die cut edges, embossed return envelope, but I digress… that little card makes us feel connected. It connects us to the people in our lives that we deemed important enough to make the “list.” To all of those people who have meant something to us on our journey through this crazy life, it’s an annual wink and a nod. It says, “I’m thinking about you, you’re important to me, you matter.” And, because when we receive them we get this warm and fuzzy feeling; we are compelled to return the favor.
In the busiest season of life, during the busiest time of the year–it is nice to return the favor. There is something very simple and sweet about letting someone know you think of them. So, press on Chirstmas card warriors! Remember when you’re cursing the entire process, that it’s not the actual card or the photo(s) in it, but the thought behind it. Utilize your photojournalism skills, your crafty editing, your power of persuasion and coercion, and create a little piece of cardstock that spreads your family’s love. That little card will surely make someone smile, and maybe that’s worth it?
I LOVE Christmas. I decorate my house right after Thanksgiving because I want to get ALL the Christmas in that I can. I love the music, the decorations, I don’t mind the shopping—mostly. But, you know what I’m starting to really dislike about my favorite season? It’s been hijacked by an elf.
You know what I’m talking about– The Elf On the Shelf! Let me go on record –the book is adorable! As a writer and a marketer, the idea is clever and cute. The story is sweet, the doll is precious, the packaging—all genius. I have no ill will toward the creators of this book or it’s cute little elf. I would actually love it if people took their words to heart and kept the elf ON THE SHELF!
My issue is with all of the crazy tiger, Pinterest, alpha parents who cannot leave well enough alone. It wasn’t enough to just put the elf out as a cute decoration that may be used as a behavior modification tool, noooo. You all had to go rogue and create a weird subculture of an elf that moves and does magically creative things EVERY night during the busiest time of the year. Well done! I hope you’re all happy.
Now, we’ve got a full-blown elf-shaming culture. Because, you know, moms need more guilt and shame. I thought my elf was cute when I just stuck him in a new place each night—if I remembered. Nope, not good enough. The elf has to “do” things now. It has to have scenes and activities. It has accessories and a clothing line—I can’t, people!
Look, if you get some kind of perverse joy out of creating an alternative elfin universe each and every night, good for you, go with God. But, for the love of all that is Christmas, keep it to yourself. I don’t want to see how you’re sneaky little elf took a marshmallow bath, held Lego figures hostage, created snow angels made from glitter. Who cleans up the glitter? There are so many things wrong here–I don’t even know where to start.
I am truly not trying to judge. You elf people are not hurting anyone. I do wonder where you get so much free time? Do you ever go to a holiday party and perhaps get over served–how does this affect your elf game? Do you have more than one child? A hobby? A book you’d like to read? Anything else to do but think of new adventures for your elf?
I get it. It can be a fun game. I just don’t want to play. I’m not a Grinch. I truly am a festive person. I do lots of over the top things for Christmas that are time-consuming and frivolous. You know what I don’t do? I don’t tell all my friends and their children about it. I don’t try to make them observe the same way I do and shame them when they don’t.
I appreciate the creativity. I truly do. I think you should create any kind of elf culture you choose, I just don’t want to go along for the ride. I don’t need your child talking about your elf and all of its outfits and adventures to my kids at school. I don’t want to see how your elf has taken over and re-decorated a room in your house every time I open up my social media.
Those of you that find these activities joyful should totally form groups and share all the cool things you do. Like Star Wars or Star Trek fans; people who go to Renaissance Fairs and dress in costume—there is surely room for Elf Lovers. And, like those other fantastic subcultures, you should enjoy yourselves with all of your like-minded friends. Have conventions where you share your elfin wares and ideas. There is probably a fantastic elfin business opportunity here, by all means, capitalize on it! But, my like-minded friends and I should be able to opt out. We should be able to enjoy an elf free life, if that’s our choosing.
But alas, like many of you, it’s too late for me. This wasn’t a big deal when my first child was little, so we had no issues. We had the book; we lived our lives. But, somewhere between child two and three things escalated quickly; the culture took over. Now, I find myself trolling Pinterest at night and cursing Facebook every morning when I see how terribly we’ve fallen short.
I’ve only got a few more years on my elf sentence, so I will try to make the most of them. I will try to find joy in the joy it brings my little people. But, hear me new parents: know what you’re getting into with this thing! I’m not saying you shouldn’t adopt the elf lifestyle, but you should go into it with your eyes wide open. You should know the time and commitment that lies ahead. This is my Christmas wish for you. My Christmas wish for me is that there would be a Pinterest board dedicated to creative ways to not move an elf every night! Happy Elf placement to us all!
The best thing that ever happened to me as a mother was through no doing of my own. When I had my first child, I had the divine fortune of being friends with several other women who already had children that were a little older. I believe this is God’s/The Universe’s way of offering you a life line.
In the throws of early parenthood, when you have no idea what in the ever-loving world you’re doing, there are a lot of resources. You can read about 598 books about how to get your baby to sleep/eat/read. So, when you feel as though you are thoroughly incompetent and definitely screwing this motherhood gig up, you can at least attempt to educate yourself and feel like you’ve got a fighting chance.
As you move through this journey, the resources are fewer and farther between. So basically, once your kiddo is walking—you’re on your own. This is why you need girlfriends with older kids. They are your resource, your reference material, your emergency contact.
It’s a tale as old as humanity that “elders” pass along wisdom to the younger generation. And, while I’m sure all of our mothers have given us great parenting advice, most of them don’t know how to operate a smart phone, let alone monitor one. So, you need guidance from people in the field. People that can report back from the battlefront and tell you what it’s like up there. What you should look out for, what you should ignore and when you should really freak out.
Moms with kids even a few years older than your own have already seen it all. While you’re freaking out about the standardized tests in elementary school (older kid moms, please take this moment to insert riotous laughter); your friend with older children is able to give you some perspective (read: tell you it doesn’t matter AT ALL). When you’re worried about the weirdness of pre-adolescence; they’ve got teenagers living and breathing in their household. They will share their stories, which will scare you to death and thus make you appreciate your weird ten year-old and realize you know nothing of adolescence and that’s just fine with you. They give you perspective and hope.
Hope is a beautiful thing. Every year we attend a neighbor’s Christmas party. It’s my favorite party because most of the people in attendance have kids that are a whole “phase” older than mine. Without fail, every year I leave that party with a renewed sense of hope. Hope because these lovely people have survived. Hope because their children seem to be contributing members of society (some would even call them adults). Your friends with older kids can give you that hope. That hope that you’re going to make it. It may not be perfect, it may not look just like you thought it would, but if your intentions are good, you’ll all survive.
Because, your friends with older kids are magnanimous. They’re completely willing to tell you about all of the times they screwed up; about when their children did stupid things—as all children do. They’re not ashamed or embarrassed because they’ve lived through it all and realize that it all happens to everybody. Life happens to everyone. Parenting is hard for everyone—anyone who says differently isn’t paying attention or is trying to sell you something.
So, do yourself a favor and befriend people with older kids and then…listen. Listen when they give you advice or insight as to what helped them through certain phases of parenthood. It doesn’t mean you’ll choose to do things the same way. It doesn’t mean you won’t make the exact same mistakes. But, it will give you hope. Hope that if you just keep trying to do your very best, there’s a better than average chance your kids will grow up feeling loved and accepted and generally ok.
Then, do someone else a favor and befriend people with kids younger than yours. Be their older kid parent. Let them behind the curtain and show them that it’s not always pretty, but there is always hope. There’s nothing like a survivor’s story!
Dear Black Friday,
Why are you here already? It’s not that I don’t like you or what you represent, but you’re just so pushy. I haven’t even unloaded the Thanksgiving dishes from my dishwasher and you’re sending me emails. I think maybe we need to talk?
It’s not that I’m ungrateful for what you bring to the table. I love a deal. Buying something on a sale, speaks to my soul. But, I feel like our relationship has changed a bit in recent years. Let’s be honest, you’ve changed. We started out on the same page, we both just wanted to get a start on our Christmas shopping. It was fun, it was mutually beneficial. We both got something out of the relationship. But, that wasn’t enough for you. You were looking for more.
You pushed. You started moving into Thanksgiving. I don’t know if you were jealous of our relationship? But, you definitely crossed some lines. You also started to exaggerate. I feel like you’re tricking me a little. You used to offer some sales, but now you create this urgency that anything I don’t buy today will either be gone or twice the price. There are so many “sales” and one-day deals that I find myself sucked into the retail vortex. I’m buying an air fryer for my 96 year-old grandmother who doesn’t cook because it was 75% off. I’m trying to find recipients for the strangest of gadgets and gizmos so I can feel good about putting them in my cart. This isn’t how it was in the beginning.
And, let’s be clear, when I say “cart” I’m speaking of my virtual cart. There is NO way that I’d ever step foot in a retail establishment on Black Friday. That’s the other thing–we used to have a personal relationship. Back in the day, we’d spend time together. I’d show up at your place, you’d help me get in the Christmas spirit with your decorations and festive attire, and then you’d save me a little money. It was so simple when we started out. What happened to us?
Now, I feel like I almost can’t be around you. You’ve been so busy trying to attract more and more people that I don’t really feel like I fit in with your new friends. I guess what I’m trying to say is that maybe it’s time that we moved on? It’s not that I don’t want to see you ever again, I just can’t take the intensity you bring to our relationship.
I wish the best for you. I’ll continue to check in with you from time to time. I just can’t be intimately involved with you. I know you’ll be ok. You’re surrounded by people that love you and want to be with you. So, thank you for all you’ve done for me, Black Friday. I’ll always appreciate what we had. I’ll always think of you fondly. We’re just moving in different directions. Not to sound like too much of a cliché, but I think we can both take comfort in knowing: it’s not me, it’s you.
Xoxo,
Julie
This week of Thanksgiving has us grateful for so many things. I thought I’d list some that a week off of school, combined with holiday preparation have brought to my mind:
I’m thankful that no one in my family seems to know where anything goes, so they can’t put anything away or find anything on their own.
I’m thankful that we are blessed to have clothes on our backs and that some people like to change said clothes at least three times a day creating an abundance of laundry.
I’m thankful that I am blessed with a family full of culinary experts who are gracious enough to provide helpful commentary and suggestions on the meals I am preparing.
I’m thankful that no matter how many lists I make I always forget one thing.
I’m thankful that minutes after cleaning a room in my house a pair of shoes and a cup will magically appear, reminding me I’m not alone.
I’m thankful for science and technology that brought us video games, which are so helpful in developing my children’s hand eye coordination and offering me a moment of peace.
I’m thankful that I have fabulous girlfriends who know EXACTLY how I feel.
I’m thankful I can curse in my head.
I’m thankful that no matter how prepared, this holiday takes all week to pull off.
I’m thankful for wine.
I’m thankful that we do this only once a year.
Though they may drive me crazy, I love these turkeys. It is my fervent prayer that pulling off all of these holidays leaves them with a warm feeling in their hearts. That some day they look back and realize that part of the reason I was so crazy was to make them feel loved and special and show them what being a family is all about.
For all of the mamas stuffing birds, hosting houseguests, folding laundry and entertaining small humans; I promise they are thankful. Maybe not right this second or this week or even this month, but eventually, they will let you know just how grateful they are. So, hang in there. Remember: done is better than perfect, nobody notices the little things, except for you and it’s never too early to start drinking during a holiday week.
In the past week I have had the misfortune of watching two of my friends loose their mothers. The circumstances were completely different, but the outcome was the same. I have two friends with a hole in their heart and an ocean of grief to traverse. As I think about them my heart hurts for them and for the millions that have gone before them and will go after. Grief is an unfortunate condition that we will all share.
Both of my friends are mothers and daughters. They’re in the middle. So, they not only have their personal loss and pain, but that of those around them. You see, whether right or wrong, mothers inherently take on the struggles of their children. So, while you deal with the personal grief of losing your parent, you also have to help your child navigate the loss of a grandparent. You’ll spend great time and energy trying to make sure your kids are “OK.” But, don’t forget, you’re also someone’s daughter. As a daughter, you will help your parent cope with the loss of their partner. You will feel obliged to check in on them to ensure that they are making it through their grief. You will absorb all of this grief. You will add it to your own.
The problem with taking on all of this grief, is that more often than not, yours gets lost in the process. You are so busy checking on everyone else; making sure that they are working through their pain, you ignore yours. But, don’t worry, it will find you. Grief is funny like that. You can push it aside or ignore it fairly successfully, but, eventually it will catch up with you. It will catch you when a song comes on the radio, when you move a picture to dust around it, when a certain smell hits you. Grief is very patient. It will wait for you.
When that grief finds you, my prayer for you is that you remember that, just like you wanted to be there for your children and your parents to help them through; there are people that want to help you. You have friends and loved ones that are waiting for you to call them and have a full break down. You have a tribe of people that would give anything to ease your burden. They’ve probably already bombarded you with casseroles, cards and car pool assistance. This instinct to help is because grief is universal. Everyone gets a turn. So, let all of these wonderful people help you. Let them bring you a meal, pick up your kids, take you out and feed you wine for dinner—let them help.
Loss is not something that anyone wants to experience, but the gift that it brings is an abundance of love and support. You will most likely, even in the midst of your grief, be completely overwhelmed by the way people show up for you. You will get a real glimpse at the goodness of people from the smallest of gestures. The art of loss is the balancing of it all–helping your loved ones through their grief without ignoring yours, accepting that some days will just be hard; some hurts take a lifetime to heal. The art of loss is accepting help; allowing yourself to feel all of the tough feelings and fall apart every once in a while and then putting yourself back together.
So, if you find yourself in this “middle” season, where loss seems to be all around us, remember that there is no right answer. There is also no wrong answer. If you are experiencing the loss, the correct answer is: whatever you feel like it is. If you think eating cookie dough will make you feel better, give it a try. If taking a long walk or re-organizing your closet seems like the answer to what’s ailing your heart—go for it. And, if you’re supporting someone through grief; the same applies. I don’t think you can ever let anyone know that you’re there for them too much. Respect boundaries, be reasonable, but let them know whenever they’re ready, so are you. You’re ready for whatever they need. Whether they’d like to cry on your shoulder, yell at you or just talk about something completely unrelated—let them know you’re there.
The reality of this beautiful life is that nobody gets out alive. We will all have a beginning and an end to our human story. We can only do our best. We can do our best while we’re here. We can celebrate each other’s triumphs and be there for the inevitable grief that will come. We can take comfort that we are surrounded by love, even in loss.
A few weeks ago I was in a yoga class with one of my favorite teachers. We are acquainted, but not personal friends. I attend her class fairly regularly, but I don’t usually hang out and chat with her afterward. As the class progressed, she kept calling out my name “Julie, that was great,” “Julie, I see you, awesome.” Now, I get that one of the main points of yoga is not to care if you’re being praised, but I’m a type-A overachiever, so don’t judge. After a while, I began having the same kind of fantastic conversation with myself in my head. “I am awesome,” “I am KILLING it in here today.” I continued through the class feeling a great sense of pride and accomplishment. I laid there in the final pose knowing that I was slowly, but surely working my way toward all my goals. Self-actualization and inner fulfillment were right around the corner. I got up, collected my things and was on my way to thank the teacher for a great class when I realized she was chatting with another woman, also named Julie, who was the intended receiver of all of the praise I so graciously soaked up…well, damn.
I could not help but laugh at myself, for obvious reasons. But, then I began to think, why was I waiting for someone else to tell me I was doing a good job before I believed it? Why was I waiting for someone else to make me feel good about myself? And, more importantly, why do I care what someone else thinks?
These are almost the exact same things I warn my kids about 397,000 times a day. I tell them to be and do their best, to speak kindly to themselves, to know that no one’s opinion of them is more important than their own. So, I’m either a giant fraud or painfully human? I’m going with the second one because it sounds way better.
I really didn’t think that I was that concerned with outside validation, but apparently, at least in that yoga class, I was like a black whole of need. I’m going to blame at least some of it on wanting to be acknowledged. This motherhood gig can be fantastic, but, it can also be very isolating. You’re working in a vacuum. You have no idea what you’re doing and there is little to no feedback. Well, that’s not true, there’s lots of feedback, but if you’ve had children for more than five minutes you know that their feedback is sketchy, at best. Don’t get me wrong, I listen to my kids if they’re telling me something real, but, the general feedback, I filter. Because, having my parenting skills evaluated based on whether or not I allow video games during the week, optional bed times or the consumption of candy on a daily basis, is not something I’m going to give to much credit.
I’m talking about real feedback. Like, it would be nice to get a quarterly or even bi-annual review that just gives you an overall idea of how you’re doing. Maybe it could be a grade, or a scale of 1-5? It could be as simple as “these kids don’t appear to be heading for jail or self-destruction any time soon, keep up the good work! “
The reality is that this probably isn’t going to happen. So, I’ve got to start to be my own cheerleader. I’ve got to tell myself I am doing a good job or at least I’m doing my very best—and that’s all I’ve got. I’m giving it my all. That doesn’t mean I won’t make 3 million mistakes or even get half of this right, but, so what? That yoga class taught me to cheer for myself loudly, to believe the hype—even if it’s the kind I’m creating in my head. Because, whether it was true or not, believing made it better.
So, my friends, talk to yourself! People probably already think you’re a little crazy, so roll with and talk to yourself. Have full conversations with yourself. Tell yourself you’re doing a great job; you’re KILLING it! And, if you have an off day, tell yourself you get a chance at a re-do tomorrow. Talk it up, mamas! Namaste.
Plans are useless, but planning is invaluable. –Winston Churchill
Preach, Winston! I think one of the hardest things for us type A planners to accept is that we are truly not in control. No matter how great the plan, how thorough the preparation, things sometimes just don’t work out. Ridiculous as it may seem to us, we cannot control everything around us—and we have to just (insert cringe) deal with it.
The interesting part is, if you pay attention, you’ll begin to notice that things do not necessarily go badly. As shocking as it may seem to us, most of the time, when things don’t go our way it does not end in disaster for us. A lot of the time, as hard as it is to admit, we end up better off.
Not According To Plan
We end up better off because when we lay down our grand plans we are only able to see our perspective, our ideas. Because we do not live alone on an island (while that would sometimes be nice for like a long weekend) so many other factors derail or re-route our plan. Environmental factors, like rain on the day of your child’s outside birthday party—leaving you with 15 small people INSIDE your house—not in the plan. Personal factors, like a co-worker that is unable to help you with your joint project leaving you with the job of two people and no extra time to complete it–not in the plan. Life factors; a sick parent/child/partner, there went ALL of your plans.
While none of these things are exactly pleasant, they sometimes appear in our lives for a reason. Maybe someone would’ve hurt themselves at your outdoor birthday extravaganza? Perhaps owning your work project alone allows you to truly shine? Slowing down to take care of someone you love almost always reminds us what is really important, what truly matters.
Let It Go
Or, maybe all of these things are put in our path as fun little reminders for us to loosen up and stop trying to figure it all out? I’m not suggesting you go through life with no plan, get serious, that makes my skin crawl just typing it. Goals and plans are paramount in any endeavor. But, maybe we need to be a little more flexible when our ideas take a detour? Instead of streaming a litany of profanities in our head when we see the rain in the birthday forecast, maybe we should ask ourselves some questions. How important is this? (You’ve already read my feelings on birthday parties, so that’s an easy one). Is there another solution? The answer to this is usually always a resounding “YES!” The problem is we generally don’t like the other solutions because they were A) not our idea or B) require us to ask for help (UGH!). What am I supposed to learn? This is harder and can usually only be asked after you’ve diverted your plan. Once you realize the sky did not fall, if you take a minute, there is usually some kind of lesson to be had. Fifteen kids in your house did not make your head explode (although you’re not going to do it on the regular). Taking on a massive project by yourself was challenging, but you did it successfully and won’t be nearly as freaked out next time. Taking care of someone you love is never convenient or fun, but it makes you grateful that you can.
So, my friends, with your color-coded calendars; my sisters with alphabetized spice racks—learn to lean in. Keep your planner up to date and your closet organized by color and season, but lean in to the idea that it will not all go your way. It will not go your way. It will frustrate you, it will anger you, it may break your heart—but, it will be OK. It will be OK because what great planners do is pivot. They take a minute say all the bad words, perhaps throw some things (I mean, so I’ve heard) and then they figure it out and make a NEW plan. And, you know you LOVE to make a plan!