There Is No Done.
I sound kind of like Yoda, but truer words have never been spoken if you’re a mother. Yesterday as I was attempting to get myself organized in my morning process, I read a great passage in Mark Nepo’s, The Book of Awakening. It talked about the importance of finding joy all along the way. The idea is that if you attach joy only to the accomplishment or the destination; it will be really hard to have a happy heart. It was a lightning bolt moment for me because I realized one of my great frustrations with motherhood is that you’re never “done.” Like ever—never!
For a list-lover like me, this is a tough one. If you’re one of those people who can just “let the day take you” and has no need to create a plan on a daily/weekly/monthly basis, then I applaud you. There is a part of me that wishes I were more like you. However, once I reached 40 I decided I would live in my truth and I like to get things DONE! I like to set goals, even if it’s as
small as kids laundry/call plumber/make doctor’s appointment—I like to set a goal and get it done and cross it off and pat myself on the back for my accomplishment. In a family of five, finishing the laundry is a major accomplishment in my life. So, when I ready Nepo’s prose, it struck me that there is absolutely, positively no done when it comes to being a mom. That explains a lot.
There is no sense of accomplishment. Well, I take that back, there’s lots of accomplishments along the way. Your baby sleeps through the night? You are a sleep schedule rockstar and could literally cry from the joy of six hours of uninterrupted sleep. Your child is out of diapers, and you get an idea that you actually are making progress. You got this little person one step closer to being fully formed. So, sure, there are little winks and nods along the way.
When your kids get bigger there are moments of intense pride and happiness. If your child makes the honor roll, creates amazing art or scores a winning goal—you are elated for them. But, that’s their accomplishment, not yours (that’s an entirely different blog—don’t get me started). You’re proud for them, but it doesn’t give you that feeling of completion.
Even when your child really shows up– maybe befriending a lonely kid or showing true compassion to one of their siblings, don’t get too comfortable. You’ll feel it, you’ll get that “my work here is done/nailed it!” feeling. You’ve created a kind and loving person. What can you even do for an encore? You should write a book with parenting advice. But, give it time my friend, because that same wonderful child you’ve created within a matter of days or even minutes will do something completely jerky that makes you think, “who am I raising?” and has you Googling the characteristics of sociopaths. Motherhood is a fun little dance of one step forward 3-4.5 steps back.
This is probably because these small little people are literally evolving right in front of us. They are trying to remember all of the important things we’ve said no less than 5,000 times, but it’s hard to do that and remember to brush your teeth on a daily basis. They are (mostly) trying to be good kids, but they are also trying to figure out how to grow into teenagers and eventually adults. There is a lot of trial and error there. I’m still trying to figure out how to be an adult. So, there’s a ton of push and pull and absolutely no done.
I imagine when you see your children graduate high school or college there is an immense sense of accomplishment. It’s a monumental milestone and if nothing else, you all survived. But, even then, there’s a lot more parenting to do. Sure, it may be a little more subtle. You may be trying to gently influence (read: yell in your quiet voice) them about the dangers of binge drinking, how to choose a life partner or manage their finances. That stuff is really important and now they think they’re a grown-up, so they really don’t listen. Just when you thought you might be just a little bit done; you’ve got to up your parenting game.
There is no done. But, Nepo’s words reminded me to pay attention. Because, there is a lot of joy to be had on the way. As crazy as kids can make you, they’re also exceptionally fun. They say ridiculously funny things that you record on your phone because you can’t get enough of them and want to remember them forever. They are kind and sweet and loving– sometimes even toward you. My theory is that these little moments of joy are so powerful that they can overcome even my crazy need for done. As soon as you think you can’t take one more second, God usually rewards you with one of these joyful gems. And you decide maybe you are doing something right with this motherhood and maybe you won’t run away. So, to my fellow mamas that just want to be done: try to pay attention and look for joyful gems. If you look hard enough, I promise you will find at least one each day. And sometimes, one is way better than done.