What Happens When You Mess Up?
Although it is hard to believe, I am not perfect—far from it. I’m guessing you’re not either. It’s inevitable that imperfect people make mistakes. But, what happens when you’re someone’s mom and you make a mistake? What happens when you screw up as a parent?
Obviously, we all make mistakes as parents. The super fun part of this job is that no one has any idea how to do it when they take it on. There are no instructions. There are millions of books and countless opinions and a plethora of people that would love to tell you how you should do it but, really, only you can decide. You can take all of that information in and try to utilize it—but it’s all on you (no pressure). So, we all do the best we can. But, we mess up.
When you mess up with smaller kids it’s a bit easier because their tiny little brains don’t really realize it. Sure, you may feel badly that you put little Bobby in a pool when he was six minutes old because all babies can and should swim. You may regret all of those “your baby can read” DVD’s and you probably wish you could take back trying to teach your three-month-old Mandarin. But, don’t be too hard on yourself, because, odds are, your kids remember none of it. So, I say, mistakes with littles are freebies. No harm, no foul.
When your kids are a little bigger, they start to pay attention. They may even call you on your mistakes. The first time this happens you will be equal parts shamed, offended and proud. Shamed because you feel badly about whatever it was that you did—or didn’t do. Offended that this little person who you keep alive on a daily basis had the sheer audacity to bring it to your attention. And, proud because you are raising a real, live person that can see the difference between what’s right and what’s wrong.
The first time that this happened to me, I found myself at a loss. Now that they’ve recognized it and they’re right—what do I do? What I decided to do was apologize. Now, please don’t misunderstand, I don’t apologize if you didn’t like what was in your lunchbox. I don’t apologize if you’re unable to watch “R” rated movies when you’re nine-years-old. I don’t apologize because you think my discipline is unfair. But, when I loose my temper or act in a way I’m generally not proud of—I apologize. I tell them that I’m sorry and I’m human and I’ll try to do better. I do this for myself and for them. I hope that by seeing me recognize my mistake, owning it and moving on; that they will one day be able to do the same.
What happens when your big, big kids call you out? These are kids that are adults or pretty close to it. A dear friend of mine, who I consider to be an amazing mom, told me about a conversation she had with her grown son. In it, he called her out and she realized she had made a mistake. I could tell it broke her heart a little. She apologized to him. She owned it. But, she also made sure to tell him that her mistakes don’t excuse him. She told him that everyone has a childhood and no one’s is perfect. She told him that he doesn’t get to make the same mistake and use her as an excuse. She told him that the sum of the good parts of your upbringing is usually greater. And, ALL the rest of the stuff she taught him matters. She reminded him that even though she wasn’t perfect, she did the best she could, and she expected nothing less from him.
As much as we all want to get it right all of the time; it just isn’t going to happen. We are going to restrict our kids when should’ve let them go. We are going to give them freedoms they weren’t prepared to handle. We will say stupid things to them and feel badly about. But, the great thing about life is that every moment is a new chance. A chance to change, a chance to be better than you were last time and a chance to say, “I’m sorry.” Don’t miss the opportunity to show your kids that you can be imperfect and great simultaneously. If you’re like me, you’re going to get lots of chances–don’t miss them.