How Do We Stop This Elf?

I LOVE Christmas. I decorate my house right after Thanksgiving because I want to get ALL the Christmas in that I can. I love the music, the decorations, I don’t mind the shopping—mostly. But, you know what I’m starting to really dislike about my favorite season? It’s been hijacked by an elf.

You know what I’m talking about– The Elf  On the Shelf! Let me go on record –the book is adorable! As a writer and a marketer, the idea is clever and cute. The story is sweet, the doll is precious, the packaging—all genius. I have no ill will toward the creators of this book or it’s cute little elf. I would actually love it if people took their words to heart and kept the elf ON THE SHELF!

My issue is with all of the crazy tiger, Pinterest, alpha parents who cannot leave well enough alone. It wasn’t enough to just put the elf out as a cute decoration that may be used as a behavior modification tool, noooo. You all had to go rogue and create a weird subculture of an elf that moves and does magically creative things EVERY night during the busiest time of the year. Well done! I hope you’re all happy.

Now, we’ve got a full-blown elf-shaming culture. Because, you know, moms need more guilt and shame. I thought my elf was cute when I just stuck him in a new place each night—if I remembered. Nope, not good enough. The elf has to “do” things now. It has to have scenes and activities. It has accessories and a clothing line—I can’t, people!

Look, if you get some kind of perverse joy out of creating an alternative elfin universe each and every night, good for you, go with God. But, for the love of all that is Christmas, keep it to yourself. I don’t want to see how you’re sneaky little elf took a marshmallow bath, held Lego figures hostage, created snow angels made from glitter. Who cleans up the glitter? There are so many things wrong here–I don’t even know where to start.

I am truly not trying to judge. You elf people are not hurting anyone. I do wonder where you get so much free time? Do you ever go to a holiday party and perhaps get over served–how does this affect your elf game? Do you have more than one child? A hobby? A book you’d like to read? Anything else to do but think of new adventures for your elf?

I get it. It can be a fun game. I just don’t want to play. I’m not a Grinch. I truly am a festive person. I do lots of over the top things for Christmas that are time-consuming and frivolous. You know what I don’t do? I don’t tell all my friends and their children about it. I don’t try to make them observe the same way I do and shame them when they don’t.

I appreciate the creativity. I truly do. I think you should create any kind of elf culture you choose, I just don’t want to go along for the ride. I don’t need your child talking about your elf and all of its outfits and adventures to my kids at school. I don’t want to see how your elf has taken over and re-decorated a room in your house every time I open up my social media.

Those of you that find these activities joyful should totally form groups and share all the cool things you do. Like Star Wars or Star Trek fans; people who go to Renaissance Fairs and dress in costume—there is surely room for Elf Lovers. And, like those other fantastic subcultures, you should enjoy yourselves with all of your like-minded friends. Have conventions where you share your elfin wares and ideas. There is probably a fantastic elfin business opportunity here, by all means, capitalize on it!  But, my like-minded friends and I should be able to opt out. We should be able to enjoy an elf free life, if that’s our choosing.

But alas, like many of you, it’s too late for me. This wasn’t a big deal when my first child was little, so we had no issues. We had the book; we lived our lives. But, somewhere between child two and three things escalated quickly; the culture took over. Now, I find myself trolling Pinterest at night and cursing Facebook every morning when I see how terribly we’ve fallen short.

I’ve only got a few more years on my elf sentence, so I will try to make the most of them. I will try to find joy in the joy it brings my little people. But, hear me new parents: know what you’re getting into with this thing! I’m not saying you shouldn’t adopt the elf lifestyle, but you should go into it with your eyes wide open. You should know the time and commitment that lies ahead. This is my Christmas wish for you. My Christmas wish for me is that there would be a Pinterest board dedicated to creative ways to not move an elf every night! Happy Elf placement to us all!