The Art Of Loss
In the past week I have had the misfortune of watching two of my friends loose their mothers. The circumstances were completely different, but the outcome was the same. I have two friends with a hole in their heart and an ocean of grief to traverse. As I think about them my heart hurts for them and for the millions that have gone before them and will go after. Grief is an unfortunate condition that we will all share.
Both of my friends are mothers and daughters. They’re in the middle. So, they not only have their personal loss and pain, but that of those around them. You see, whether right or wrong, mothers inherently take on the struggles of their children. So, while you deal with the personal grief of losing your parent, you also have to help your child navigate the loss of a grandparent. You’ll spend great time and energy trying to make sure your kids are “OK.” But, don’t forget, you’re also someone’s daughter. As a daughter, you will help your parent cope with the loss of their partner. You will feel obliged to check in on them to ensure that they are making it through their grief. You will absorb all of this grief. You will add it to your own.
The problem with taking on all of this grief, is that more often than not, yours gets lost in the process. You are so busy checking on everyone else; making sure that they are working through their pain, you ignore yours. But, don’t worry, it will find you. Grief is funny like that. You can push it aside or ignore it fairly successfully, but, eventually it will catch up with you. It will catch you when a song comes on the radio, when you move a picture to dust around it, when a certain smell hits you. Grief is very patient. It will wait for you.
When that grief finds you, my prayer for you is that you remember that, just like you wanted to be there for your children and your parents to help them through; there are people that want to help you. You have friends and loved ones that are waiting for you to call them and have a full break down. You have a tribe of people that would give anything to ease your burden. They’ve probably already bombarded you with casseroles, cards and car pool assistance. This instinct to help is because grief is universal. Everyone gets a turn. So, let all of these wonderful people help you. Let them bring you a meal, pick up your kids, take you out and feed you wine for dinner—let them help.
Loss is not something that anyone wants to experience, but the gift that it brings is an abundance of love and support. You will most likely, even in the midst of your grief, be completely overwhelmed by the way people show up for you. You will get a real glimpse at the goodness of people from the smallest of gestures. The art of loss is the balancing of it all–helping your loved ones through their grief without ignoring yours, accepting that some days will just be hard; some hurts take a lifetime to heal. The art of loss is accepting help; allowing yourself to feel all of the tough feelings and fall apart every once in a while and then putting yourself back together.
So, if you find yourself in this “middle” season, where loss seems to be all around us, remember that there is no right answer. There is also no wrong answer. If you are experiencing the loss, the correct answer is: whatever you feel like it is. If you think eating cookie dough will make you feel better, give it a try. If taking a long walk or re-organizing your closet seems like the answer to what’s ailing your heart—go for it. And, if you’re supporting someone through grief; the same applies. I don’t think you can ever let anyone know that you’re there for them too much. Respect boundaries, be reasonable, but let them know whenever they’re ready, so are you. You’re ready for whatever they need. Whether they’d like to cry on your shoulder, yell at you or just talk about something completely unrelated—let them know you’re there.
The reality of this beautiful life is that nobody gets out alive. We will all have a beginning and an end to our human story. We can only do our best. We can do our best while we’re here. We can celebrate each other’s triumphs and be there for the inevitable grief that will come. We can take comfort that we are surrounded by love, even in loss.