I don’t think I can adequately explain with words how important this is, but, Imma try. We all know the importance of friendships. There have been recent studies done at both Harvard and the University of Michigan that found that healthy and happy relationships directly contribute to physical health and longevity. As far as I can see, connection with others is the reason why we’re here. So, if you’re not sure about opening yourself up to true meaningful friendships, keep reading! It’s literally good for your health—science, people!
Friends come in all shapes and forms—I’m “friends” with my dry cleaner, I know all about his son and what he’s studying at college. I struggled through the teen years with him while I had an infant at home. He’s a great guy, and I’d consider him a friend. I’m friendly with some of the parents at school or on my kids’ sports teams—they’re super sweet people and we’re in the middle of this thing together, so, solidarity. And, while I have fond feelings and care about these friends, they are not my “tribe.” You gotta have a tribe or you’re not gonna make it. Okay, you will probably make it, but it will be soooo much harder.
There are all different kinds of tribes. Maybe you’re a one person “bestie” kind of a gal? You’ve got your one girlfriend who knows where all the bodies are buried and she is your first call—she can be your tribe. Or, maybe you have a group or groups of friends that you do life with and you know you can count on, in the event of an emergency. Not a “can you pick my child up from school?” emergency—there are lots of lovely people that will help with those kinds of emergencies. I’m speaking of emotional emergencies like –I’m pretty sure one of my children is going to grow up to hate me/go on a crime spree/travel the country in a boxcar. At this point, your tribe assures you that you are, in fact, not the world’s worst mother, she/they may helpfully point out others that are screwing it up far worse than you, for reference, not judgment. This allows you to take a step back and see yourself through the eyes of someone you trust and value. And, also get out of your own head, which is clearly not a safe space at the moment.
It may sound silly, but it’s important. Isolation is scary stuff. It seems strange to think that as busy as we are running around doing so many things that we could possibly become isolated. But, parenting can sometimes be a lonely place. You don’t know what you’re doing or if you’re doing a remotely good job. It’s important to have back up. One or, if you’re lucky, a few people that can take a minute, hear you and totally get where you’re coming from. They won’t be able to fix any of your problems or give you easy solutions. But, they will be able to nod their heads and let you know that you’re not totally crazy. They may also be able to offer a little perspective. Like maybe you are, in fact, overacting to your sister in law’s holiday invitation and she probably is just inviting you because you are related and people do that stuff. They will reassure you that her Thanksgiving invitation was nothing more than normal. Sometimes, you also need someone to tell you when you ARE being crazy.
This support system is one that may take a minute to build. It is sometimes comprised of people who you’ve know for a million years, or, it can be someone who’s come into your life recently. There are no rules to building a tribe. And, you may have several. You could have your work tribe, your mommy tribe, your old school tribe—the more the merrier! As I see it, life is not getting easier as kids grow up and parents age. The more you can surround yourself with people who will happily talk you off the ledge when you’re struggling with tough parenting issues or contemplating a severe hair cut, the better off you will be.
So, whatever you’re doing, make sure you’re putting a little time and effort into the cultivation of your tribe. Say “yes” when someone invites you to a girls night out, answer the phone when you really should be working for your friend who is struggling right now. No one has time for anything, but you will make time for what’s important—and, this is important. You never know who might end up being part of your tribe, so be open.
Then, be there for your people. A tribe is a two-way street. You’ve got to put yourself out there for your people as well. You can’t be the only one constantly in crisis, even if it sometimes feels that way. You have to be there to listen or laugh or talk through why the asymmetrical bob is not a great idea one more time.
Investing in these relationships is important. You will get far more than you ever imagined both from being supported and being able to offer support to someone you care about. Whether your tribe is you and a your bestie or you’ve got teams ready to spring into action at the sight of your S.O.S. text, make sure there’s someone who “gets” you. A tribe that loves you for who you are, will tell you when you’re being unreasonable and would never let you get an asymmetrical bob.