What to do when your people are struggling? How do you handle it when there is turmoil in the lives of those you love? What’s the best way to move through it and not let it get the best of you? Focus on yourself.
All You
I get that this sounds counter-intuitive. All this chaos surely requires more attention from you. You probably have to focus more time on the people/problem and less on yourself, right? I don’t think so. I’m suggesting that putting whatever issues that are bubbling up in your life front and center is actually the worst thing that you could do.
I’m not suggesting avoidance. Like most of us, I’m a fixer. I see a problem and immediately try to figure out a solution. Tell me there isn’t a solution, and I can’t wait to prove you wrong. But, sometimes, I think I may be wrong. I can’t believe I put that in writing—I qualified it with “sometimes.” Clearly, I must feel strongly about this, or I’ve temporarily lost my mind. In all seriousness, sometimes in the effort to fix; we cause more damage.
We fixers like to tackle (read:obsess) our problems head-on. We want to get right in there and start dissecting it piece by piece to ensure a swift and savvy solution. This often works. But, what if it’s not our problem? Being a partner/parent comes with the unique opportunity of taking on things that don’t belong to you. We are tied into these people. A large piece of our heart resides with them. Our happiness is certainly linked together in many ways. It’s incredibly difficult for a fixer to see someone they love go through a difficult situation and ignore their instinct to fix.
Again, I’m not suggesting you don’t offer help/support/guidance when problems arise. Especially in the case of our children, we are obligated to offer them tools or resources when they face challenges. It’s our duty as parents to help them figure some of this life stuff out. It’s the same for our partners. We can’t help but offer support and love to someone who means so much to us. But, once we’ve done this part, we need to get back to focusing on ourselves.
Don’t Pick Up Things That Don’t Belong To You
We need to focus on what makes us happy. We need to start keeping a gratitude journal, practice meditation, exercise—work on improving ourselves. Is this selfish when someone we love is struggling? Nope. I submit it is one of the best ways you can help those you love. You see, fixers are great. We have problem solving skills, determination, drive—but sometimes we don’t know when to quit. We take on all of our loved one’s challenges as our own and that’s not helping anybody.
I’m not saying that this is easy for people like us. It’s not. Someone is picking on your child at school? It’s hard to not wonder between the hours of 8-3 if today was better than yesterday? Did they use any of the tools you tried to teach them? Partner struggling at work? You have to really resist your urge to map out a new career path that solves all of their problems. I get it. I just don’t think necessarily helps your people. Because, now? You and your person are both in the middle of said problem. You are no longer the objective helper or voice of reason. You want to go to school and punch a third grader and tell your partner’s boss where to go. See? Not really helpful.
What is more helpful is to focus on being the best version of yourself; to make yourself happy. This version of you is what your people need when they’re struggling. They need you to be thoughtful, not reactive. You help them by being there. You are enough already, just as you are. Taking on their struggle only leads to yours.
So, my suggestion when you struggle with the urge to fix is: fix yourself. There surely is something positive that you can do for yourself. Sign up for a half-marathon, start a yoga practice, take an online class. Will this “fix” your loved ones problems? Absolutely not. But, it may help you show up for them in a much better way. In the event of an emergency, you’re supposed to put on your oxygen mask FIRST, then, assist others. Notice that it says “assist” others, not “fix” others. So, if things start getting bumpy, put on your mask. Find something positive for you, so you can assist others. And, then, wait your turn—you’ll need some assistance with your mask at some point too.