It occurred to me today as I let my youngest child leave the house with terribly mismatched clothing and hair that looks like it hasn’t seen a brush in days, that I have definitely changed. First-time parent me made sure that the eldest child was dressed to impress everywhere we went. Spit up on that onesie? Change into a fresh, new one! Jelly on your shirt? We’ll have to go home and get a new outfit! I’m not sure I recognize that version of myself anymore. And, if my youngest daughter’s foray out into the world looking like a street urchin straight from the pages of Oliver Twist is any indication, this version of myself may no longer exist.
Have I given up or have I gotten smarter?
This is the question I was asking myself this morning. Do I just not care what my kids look like? Am I ambivalent to their appearance? The answer is a resounding NO. I care, I do. I’m big on collared shirts when appropriate; making sure clothes match and are wrinkle free. I’m not an animal and I haven’t lost all sense of propriety. I have, however, realized that not every occasion calls for a dress code. This revelation must have happened over time. I have no real memory of the shift, but here I am—and it’s awesome.
Look, we all start out in this parenting game with preconceived notions of how it will be and what it will look like. Then, we actually have a child and realize within about seven minutes that we had NO idea. None. The ideas and images that we created in our minds of what parenting would be like are so far from reality; they’re comical. But, most of us still hold on to them for a good, long while. We still try to ensure our parenting and our children resemble those fictional ideas in our minds. And, when the inevitably don’t, we beat ourselves up about it. We wonder why we can’t seem to live up to our fictional expectations? The answer: change your expectations.
Lower The Bar
I’m here to tell you that lowering your standards is sometimes the most wonderfully liberating thing you can do for yourself. Like all good things, it should probably be done in moderation, but the results are life-changing. My guideline for lowering the bar is the ten-year question—“will this matter in ten years?” You can adjust the time frame to whatever works for you, but you get it. If my child’s asparagus costume for the school play is purchased and not handmade—will this matter in ten years? Nope! Click away and praise Amazon! What if I miss my son’s soccer game to meet up with a friend I haven’t seen in months—will this matter in ten years? Heck no, that child probably won’t even remembered he played soccer in ten years. You see where this is going. It’s all about perspective. I love perspective, but it’s usually only available after the fact, so fast forward, look back and think about how much this REALLY matters.
The truth is very few things matter. Is your child loved? Safe? Growing and developing? I think you’re winning life if you answered yes to all of these questions. It doesn’t matter if they are the smartest kid in their class; if they’re the star of the hockey team. That stuff is great and should be celebrated, but it doesn’t MATTER. It also says nothing about you as a parent.
This is the hard part for a lot of us. We assume our children, their appearance and accomplishments are a reflection of us. This isn’t true. I know we’ve all been sold this bill of goods, but it’s false and it’s making us all too hard on ourselves and our kids. Are you responsible for guiding your children, giving them a moral compass and providing them with boundaries? Absolutely. Are your responsible for ensuring that they excel at sports, academics and extracurricular activities? Nope. Not all kids are going to be good at sports or school or playing the piano. It’s a numbers game, people and not every child is talented at everything. They’re not supposed to be. If they were all so awesome at everything, how would they set themselves apart? How would they or, the world, know where their true talents lie? Repeat after me: My child will not be good at everything and that’s how it’s supposed to be!
So, lower your bar. I’m not saying you promote some crazy bacchanalia where there are no rules, unlimited video games and no expectations. But, before you make yourself crazy, ask yourself if the source of your insanity really matters? Here’s a hint: most of it doesn’t matter. So, let them rock their mismatched, sometimes (gasp) dirty clothes. Skip baths to finish watching a movie together. And, if you’re like me and you find yourself out in public with a child that looks like they just rolled out of bed, embrace it–bed hair, don’t care!