Just Say No
Why is no so hard for everyone? No one likes to be told “no.” No one likes to say “no” to someone else. No is getting a really bad wrap. Maybe it starts early on, I can say with certainty that a “no” issued to a small child can instantaneously reduce them to tears, or better, a tiny full-bodied rage. Tell a ‘tween “no” and you could get a more subtle sigh, an eye roll or a general look of disdain. Say no to a well-meaning mommy friend and you may get a look of shock or outrage. You get my point, no one likes no.
But, sometimes, a lot of the time, actually no is necessary. No, you cannot eat Sweedish Fish for breakfast, no you may not punch your brother in the back, no you cannot stay on your device for all of your waking hours, no I don’t have forty extra hours in my week to dedicate to the school’s box top campaign—these are NO’s. These no’s are necessary. Some of them are necessary for safety and some for sanity. Whatever the reason, you need to be able to say no and own it.
Most of us don’t have a big problem when it comes to saying no to our children. This is usually because after your child begins moving around most of your “no’s” are to prevent them from bodily harm. Once they begin speaking, the requests become so frequent and outlandish, your no’s are almost a comedic reflex. So, saying no to little people becomes a normal part of your day. You feel no guilt, most of the time you don’t even think about before it comes out of your mouth—it’s a default, like breathing in and out.
It gets more complicated when the small people start really utilizing their little brains and begin formulating strong arguments and launching emotional campaigns. You are subjected to 2-3 minute diatribes about why they NEED a new Paw Patrol figure/another cookie/their own phone. I’ve been subjected to Power Point presentations that outlined the need for more video game time. The no here is harder, because you admire their approach. They’ve sometimes outlined a very thoughtful, clear and concise case. You’re proud of how they’ve articulated themselves. You don’t want to crush their dreams, but—yeah, NO!
Then, we have the teen/’tween no. This gets tricky. Sometimes you’re not sure of your no. Is what they’re asking really OK? Should you be letting them spread their wings some more? You have to start giving them some freedoms, but where? Do you let them have a phone? Ride in a car with their friends? Go to someone’s house you don’t know? Most of this is unchartered territory and you have no idea what you’re doing. You have to rely on your instinct and maybe some of your friends that have older kids and have been to this party. You’re going to have to hold your no sometimes, even when it gives you that weird squishy feeling in your stomach, because you have to let them grow up. You have to let them make mistakes and bad choices and pray that they learn something from them. If they don’t grow up; don’t have their own experiences, they could end up strange and isolated and living with you when they’re 43—and that’s a big NO!
The top of the no pyramid, in my opinion, is the peer no. This can be the toughest one. This is the no to your friend/co-worker/family member. This is the one that you sometimes feel badly about—so badly that you forget to say “no.” You know, when you want to say no to the mom who’s asked you to drive her kid to practice no less than 436 times. You don’t really mind, but at some point, you feel like she may be taking advantage—like when the coach thinks her child is actually yours. The co-worker who consistently presents you with deliverables at 4:30 p.m. on Friday probably deserves a “no,” but how often do you deliver it? The sister that always graciously “lets” you host every holiday, because she’s a giver like that—she may sometimes need a “no.” but, I’m willing to bet she doesn’t get it all that often.
This isn’t a matter of being a push over. Some of the toughest, most self-assured women I know have this problem. It’s not that they don’t know their minds, it’s not even that they’re afraid that people won’t like them. It’s that they feel that their no has to be justified. That justification is sometimes way too much work. It’s easier to take the kid to practice than to bring up to his mom that reciprocity might be a nice idea. It’s easier to stay late on Friday and finish your presentation than it is to confront your co-worker about their constant procrastination. And, it’s way easier to host Thanksgiving for 25 people than to delve into the depths of your sister’s issues with you that she has apparently been cataloging since you were both in diapers. Sometimes it’s easier to not say “no”.
Sometimes, the easy road is the best way. As you get older, you hopefully realize that some things don’t truly matter. They’re not worth wasting your energy. But, be careful my friends. For every NO you swallow, you are giving up something of yourself. Time, money, feelings—you sacrafice something for every “no” you don’t deliver. And, that’s not OK.
You don’t worry about justifying your no to the toddler. You’ve never once explained to your ‘tween all the reasons why they can’t have an $1,200 phone when they’re eleven years-old. So, why do you have to explain your no to anyone else? The answer is: you DON’T. You don’t have to have a reason and we all need to stop making them up.
You don’t need a previous engagement to decline an invitation. You don’t need to invent an excuse to decline volunteering for the school carnival. You’re allowed to have boundaries—and that’s exactly what a NO is—it’s a boundary. It’s a boundary for your child’s safety, your moral values, your time—it’s a boundary and it’s necessary.
Think of the alternative. A life with no boundaries seems like a scary place to be. Everyone’s boundaries are different, it’s not our place to judge where anyone else draws their line in the sand. It is our place to respect it and expect the same respect in return.
So, friends, embrace your inner mommy and just say NO! Say no when you mean it. Allow yourself to give in and re-consider your no, when necessary—you can change your mind; there are no final answers. Know that your NO is valid and doesn’t need an explanation. Anyone who thinks otherwise…they’re a NO!