A few years ago the term “tiger mom” became a part of our vernacular, thanks to Amy Chua and her best-selling memoir, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom. The book detailed Chua’s traditional Chinese parenting philosophy. Whether right or wrong, Wikipedia now defines a tiger mom as, “a term which refers to the process of strict or demanding parents who push and pressure their kids to be successful academically by attaining high levels of scholastic and academic achievement, using authoritarian parenting methods regarded as typical of childrearing.”
Now, I don’t consider myself to be a tiger mom or necessarily subscribe to the philosophy, but I also try not to judge other people’s parenting styles. I feel like anyone who wants to give you their advice on parenting you should immediately discount, because if you think you that you’ve got parenting all figured out you’re either delusional or mentally disturbed. No one knows how to do this, we are each as clueless as the mom/dad sitting next to us on the bleachers screaming for our ten year-old to “hit it like you mean it”—whatever that means. Youth sports is the quickest way for normal adults to loose their sanity, but that’s a topic for another day.
So, I’m not judging tiger parenting philosophically. I’m more interested in a specific phylum of tiger mom and that is: the undercover tiger mom. You know who I’m talking about it’s the parent who is obviously pushing their child and calling the shots but acts as if their little angel is just a miraculous prodigy. The parent who stands by the MIT worthy science project that was in no way thought of or created by a second grade child but claims “she just did it all on her own, I didn’t even help her.” The mom who beams at the honor roll assembly because her little Johnny is just “naturally gifted.” Meanwhile, little Johnny spends at least 8 hours a week at Kumon working on his “natural” gifts.
I’m not hating on you, tiger moms, but do everyone a favor and own it. The true tiger mom is not embarrassed by her philosophy or her parenting; she wears it like a badge of honor. You undercover tiger moms need to take note. Because you’re causing all of the rest of us non-tigers to really question whether we want to hang out with you. I don’t give a flip if your child is a cello virtuoso, I actually find that dedication amazing. I mean, I have a hard time committing to the “no drinking during the week” rule, so clearly, dedication is not second nature to me. I think you do you and your child a disservice by discounting all of the work it takes to excel at something—anything. If your child puts in all of that work/practice shouldn’t they be acknowledged for it? You’re the one driving/paying/arranging all of these lessons/practice/tutoring, don’t you deserve some parenting props as well?
The truth of the matter is, that tiger parenting may be amazing for you and your kids, good for you, go on with your bad self. Just because I choose not to adopt the same philosophy doesn’t mean I don’t respect yours. So, why act like it’s “no extra work” or “just happens naturally?” Because now all of the non-tiger kids and parents just feel dumb. Little Suzie had “no help” on her science project and created a perfect environment to grow and culture bacteria while, non-tiger Jimmy has taken on the scientific gold of determining which floor cleaner is most effective. And, believe me, I don’t believe everyone should get an A or a trophy just for trying. I believe if Suzie spent 2 weeks in the dark growing bacteria she deserves and should be proud of her accomplishment. So why not celebrate the extra work?
It’s like the friend we all have that makes the best cookies/margaritas/champagne cocktail (I choose my friends carefully), but will never divulge the recipe. Why? If something is good, why not share? Scarcity is a real thing, people, but, for areas of drought or famine, not accomplishments. There are plenty of A’s to go around. There is plenty of success for everyone. My achievement does not negate yours. You know why? Because, success does not look the same for everyone. What I consider to be a successful day may involve doing little to nothing while watching bad TV without guilt and consuming far too many carbs, I’m not saying it’s for everyone—you do you!
But, be honest. Pretending like your are something that you’re not whether it be rich, smart, a good dancer has never been and will never be cool. And, the truth of the matter is, it’s got to be exhausting. It’s also is incredibly ineffective. Here’s a clue undercover tiger: EVERYONE KNOWS! Everyone knows you’re taking all of the extra steps and doing all of the extra things. Here’s the other newsflash: NO ONE CARES!
Life is not a competition—if you don’t believe that, well then I apologize you wasted the time it took you to get to this point in the article. That also doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be competitive. There is no one that hates to loose more than me. I have never “let” my kids win a game because I think that is stupid. Life is tough and sometimes you’re the winner of the game and sometimes the loser—both lessons are equally valuable. There is always a time for healthy competition athletically, academically, professionally– we should be teaching all of our kids that the real competition is with yourself. What does the next best version of you like? Is it mastering that piece of music? Is it achieving that high test score? Is it showing up to school everyday with your belt on? There are levels, people. The point is tiger, non-tiger—whatever your philosophy—be comfortable with it, celebrate it—grow your bacteria! I’ll be over here with my margarita and bad TV.