The hardest thing about this parenting gig, in my opinion, is it’s longevity. It literally never ends. You can be 99 years-old and you’re still someone’s mother. I’m not quite there yet, but, I doubt you stop worrying about them or thinking about what they’re doing. My mother still wants me to call her when my plane lands. There’s a part of you out there roaming the planet.
So, the question I find myself facing is how do you persist throughout all of the phases of parenting? There are tons of books on babies. The infant stage is certainly terrifying in its own special way, but I find the stages that follow are far more horrific. And, no one talks about those except for my favorite adage, “little children, little problems; big children, big problems.” Super. Very comforting, imagine it in that movie trailer announcer’s voice and it’s like you’re getting ready to watch a horror film.
Little Kids Are Fun And Easy
Elementary school starts off sweet, but then you’re faced with a minefield of bullying, social issues, learning styles. I feel like it used to be you went to Kindergarten, you colored, you learned to read in first grade, maybe you learned cursive in third grade? It seems far more complicated now. Now, we have the great fortune to identify that kids don’t all have the same learning style. We can pinpoint issues like ADHD, dyslexia, processing disorders and the like with relatively simple testing. The problem is after you figure out how your child is different you have to send them back into an environment that is exactly the same.
Now, don’t get me wrong—I’m not blaming the system. There are now so many alternatives in education and schools are doing more and more to accommodate kids that have an alternative learning style. But, overall, if you want to be a successful student, in the traditional sense, you have to stay inside the box, for the most part. So, this puts the onus on the parent to try to teach your child how to figure out how their little mind works and, then, how it can go around the boxes, while still ticking them. Sounds easy.
You also get to navigate all of the social challenges that start to arise, because apparently Mean Girls is now being revived in elementary school. This causes you to perform as an armchair psychologist while wondering why other peoples’ kids are such jerks, but never revealing that to your sweet child. You instruct to “take the high road,” “just ignore them” or my all time favorite, “tell your teacher”–because really at some point you just don’t know what to say and you’re hoping maybe the professionals might help you out. And, remember, we’re still in elementary school—we haven’t even seen the joys of puberty yet!
Then, we have the extra-curricular component whereby every child by the ripe old age of 8 needs to be fully committed and exceptional at something—baseball, violin, baton-twirling. You can’t just “try” something because it looks like fun, you have to have a private coach, practice 9 days a week, try out for travel baton-twirling, because nothing is just for fun—everything has a purpose. I mean, come on, you’re 8! Time to grow up and take responsibility for your choices.
And, if you have the great fortune of having more than one child, you can multiply all of these issues by said number of children. PLEASE NOTE: none of your children will have the same issues, because that would make some of your former parenting experience relevant and useful—and that NEVER happens.
It’s A LONG And Winding Road
So, thus far, we’re only in elementary school and I’m thinking how in the ever-loving love are we possibly going to be able to do this for the next 10+ years? I can hardly make it until Friday every week and I’ve started a summer count down in February. And, I’m trying to be present and not miss out on all the good stuff, but, people, this is HARD.
I mean it’s hard like at least once a day I find myself with genuine sad feelings about something that I’ve said or done parenting. Hard, like I really have no idea if I’m making the right choices or doing the right things for these people that I’m raising. Hard, like there is always of a wave of unease in my house because someone is having an issue of some kind. It’s hard and my question is: How do we keep doing it?
We are doing all of this with out any real instruction. All of us have no idea, let’s be honest. It’s like we’re all hurling through the Universe praying that we’re doing the right things and these kids turn out to be productive members of society—that’s all I’m looking for. I don’t need a Nobel prize winner or a rocket scientist. My end game is a kind, contributing member of society, who does not live with me.
So, we close our eyes, cross our fingers, and we guess. We base decisions off what we loved that our parents did for us. We change things because some of the things our parents did we think are just plain stupid. But, here’s the thing—they didn’t now what they were doing either!
We can’t just give up, right? Someone once told me that everyone stops parenting at some point. We all start off all-in, fully engaged and slowly we all step back, some of us too soon, others not soon enough. But how do we know? Especially now, when the world we live in matures our kids at a much faster rate. Your twelve year-old can probably utilize technology much better than you can and has been adept at something like baton-twirling for at least four years, so they are practically an adult. And, they think so too, so it’s easy to let up, to let them navigate on their own.
But where’s the balance? How do you know when to let up or put on the full court press? How do you know when to step in and save your child or let them fail? Because all of these kids need a lot more failure, to realize that it is, in fact, not the end of the world when something doesn’t work out. To have the divine gift of hindsight and perspective that only experience can bring you.
So, maybe that’s the answer for all of us parents too? Maybe we have to just keep closing our eyes, crossing our fingers and making the next right decision based on what we feel. And, pray to sweet baby Jesus that we get it right more times than we get it wrong. Because, we will get it wrong—it’s inevitable. But, maybe if we apply the 80/20 rule and the good stuff falls in the first category, these kids will be ok? They’ll get an education, have meaningful relationships, be a part of the world and not live with us. Eyes closed and fingers crossed.