Bulking Up

If you have a large family like me or, perhaps you just enjoy bulk shopping, you’ve more than likely big to one of the top warehouse clubs across our great country. You know, the place where you can get 84 rolls of toilet paper, a new washer and a rotisserie chicken all in the same trip. I am a somewhat frequent shopper to my local Costco and every time I go there I am still shocked and surprised by what awaits inside.

You Never Know

I’m not talking about the actual products, although, that is a fun game too. Part of the fun is you never know what they’re going to have. Sure, you can usually count on meat, produce, basic staples; like eggs and bread. But sometimes you get ,what I like to call, the wildcard. Maybe it’s a 12 foot pink flamingo pool float, could be a pre-lit Christmas wreath, heck, you could walk out of there with a brand new patio set! See, that’s where they get you. You’ve gone in to buy boring things like cheese and butter and then you’re distracted by beautiful new bath towels that look so much nicer than yours or an ergonomic kitchen mat, because your posture matters!

Where Is Everything?

I always find myself confused every time I step foot inside. It’s not like the regular grocery store where you can walk the aisles in your sleep and tell your husband on exactly which shelf he can find the sour cream that you forgot. It seems they move everything every time I go and I spend a good twenty minutes looking for that one last item. I just read an article that said this is done strategically, as a marketing technique. The idea is that if they constantly move the items you’re left wandering and able to stumble across that flamingo/wreath/patio set that you’ve now decided you can’t live without. I’m not sure if this is true, but if it is—brilliant! Costco, you little minx, you! Well played. I fall for it EVERY time. I have never left the store with at least one item that I had no intention of buying upon entering. And, even though I’m on to your game now, I think it’s really fun; so I’ll keep playing.

Worlds Colliding

The other crazy phenomena I notice whenever I pay a visit to my warehouse is the strange demographics. Now, this may be based on where I live, so you can let me know. But, there are three categories of shoppers in my Costco: 1. the mamas like me feeding like a hundred kids, 2. the commercial people outfitting restaurants or businesses, 3. older people.

It is the last category that I find so fascinating. I have no earthly idea why you would bulk shop for two people. I maybe get it for paper products or cleaning supplies, but even then, why would you go to a separate store, brave the insanity, for two things? My only guess is: retirement. I’m guessing these sweet people no longer have the grind of a 9-5 weighing them down. They probably don’t have young kids to taxi around. So, if it’s 11:00 a.m. may as well head over to Costco, grab that giant bottle of Glucosamine make your way through the free sample tables and call it lunch. And that’s just it, these sweet elderly people amble through this war zone of products with a giant cart and two things in it—TWO THINGS! I’m in no way speaking ill of these lovely seniors. I just don’t understand it. I would NEVER go bulk shopping if I didn’t actually need and use 72 eggs over a two-week period.

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

But, based on my experience, the feeling is very mutual. These sweet people eye me like I’m getting ready to outfit a fall out shelter in anticipation of the apocalypse. They love to eye my cart that’s strategically stacked like a game of Jenga with a look of disbelief and horror. “Are you having a party?” I’m not sure what parties look like in your golden years, but my cart usually consists of a lot of toilet paper, fruit and some organic cheese puffs—that does not a party make. I do usually throw a few (read: at least half a case) bottles of wine in for good measure, so maybe that’s what’s throwing them off?

It’s like they’re trying to make me feel badly. I get it, I’m buying A LOT of stuff, but we are IN a warehouse store. I know we’re mass consumers and I’m concerned about my family’s carbon footprint, but my people are going to eat 2 jars of organic peanut butter AND that giant bag of rice quicker than you can blink. So, stop judging me!

I try not to be smart alec or condescending. In the beginning, I usually just smile and nod. But, by the end, I’m out of patience, I’m trying to balance the items on this cart like a Cirque de Soliel acrobat and I still have like ten more things to find because they moved everything! So, then, I may have a little fun. When I get the wide eyes and the comment, “you must have a giant family,” I simply smile and say, “yes, ma’am I have 15 children, hoping for number 16 just to even things out!” Or, when I hear, “wow, are you having a party?” for the tenth time, I may respond, “yes, sir, every day of my life is a party!”

It’s clear we don’t understand the each other’s plight. And though we are in the same warehouse; we are miles apart in the game of life. Maybe I’m jealous? I want to just wander around with no one to feed but myself. I want to be able to eat 2 pieces of kielbasa and a sample of cheese and be good until dinner. So, forgive me, sweet elderly shoppers if I was snarky. I have the utmost respect for you. After all, you survived this mess of raising children and feeding and clothing them and trying to send them out into the world as decent human beings. You are a light at the end of this tunnel; you made it! So, keep doing you and, I’ll meet you at the samples around 11:00 in about twenty years.