“Perhaps the shortest and most powerful prayer in the human language is help.”—Father Thomas Keating
I read this quote today and thought—WOW, just wow! Isn’t it the truth? And, why, why is it so hard for some of us to ask for help? Why do we feel like less than or not enough if we may need a hand?
I Can Do It All
I, along with lots of people I know and love, am guilty of wanting to do things myself. The motivation for taking it all on can be very different for each of us. Maybe we don’t like giving up control, so we’d rather go it alone. Perhaps we don’t think anyone else can possibly live up to our high standards? Or, maybe we’ve all been taught and trained that there is some honor in being completely and totally self-sufficient.
I’m not suggesting that you live with your parents until your 48 or rely on other people to pay your bills. But, I am suggesting that there’s nothing dishonorable about relying on others. Life, for most of us, is designed as a team sport. We usually have a partner of some kind. We even call it “doing life” with this person. Almost all of us work in some sort of cooperative team environment where we have to work with and rely on all sorts people. Usually, we’re part of some sort of community—school, church, you name it—all of these situations require us to rely on others. We don’t operate in a vacuum, we’re no strangers to needing other people. So why are we so afraid to ask for help?
It’s Personal
I think that most of us are OK with the idea of help in the settings I just described. “Hey, can you provide me with the numbers I need to forecast annual sales?” –no problem with that ask—it’s somebody’s job to help you out there. “Would you like to help with the church picnic?”—also, fine because the whole thing is reliant upon volunteers. But, what about when it’s just for us?
How many of us acknowledge that we may need help? And, if we do, how many of us actually have the courage to ask for it? My guess is not a lot of us. We’re taught from an early age that certain phases of life are just plain hard, and, they are. Having a newborn, an aging parent, a financial crisis is just plain difficult. There is no way around the struggle that comes along with these kinds of life events. I love the saying, “the only way through it is through it.” And if that’s true then, surely, some help would help!
I think it all goes back to my least favorite four-letter word—FEAR. We’re afraid to ask for help because that makes us vulnerable and we’ve been taught vulnerable people are weak. But, the dumbest part about that is that we ARE all vulnerable. It doesn’t matter your circumstance, one thing that life teaches you early on is; illness, tragedy, misfortune—it doesn’t discriminate. We are all vulnerable, all of the time. So, why are we wasting time pretending? Why pretend that if you can manage everything every day without the help of anyone else you receive some sort of prize or award? Maybe, I’m missing it, between the Golden Globes and The Oscars, but I don’t recall any International She Does Everything Herself Awards.
Fake News
Let’s blame childhood. We all love to believe the fairy tale. It’s just different now. It’s the one where our friends, or the women we follow on social media, own their own company, travel around the world, raise children that are always clean and dressed impeccably, while working out five times a week and having perfect hair and make-up—all by themselves. I’m not saying that these amazing women don’t, in fact, do all of these things. I’m not attempting to diminish their accomplishments in any way. I’m simply saying that they HAVE HELP. Someone is taking their kids to school while they travel for business, there are probably a few people behind the scenes as they build their empire—this doesn’t make them any less successful, it makes them smart, because, NO ONE can do it alone.
We need to start being honest with ourselves about realistic expectations. Maybe you can run a business from your kitchen table while being the sole caretaker of your children, but you’re going to have to do it in yoga pants and unwashed hair—who cares? You can take on the business world dressed for success during the hours of 8-5 because you have an amazing sitter that steps in when your kids get off the bus and holds down the fort until you arrive. Why can’t we grade ourselves on a curve, like in college?
You Don’t Have to DO It All To Have It All
Then there’s the idea that we have to physically DO something to claim it as our accomplishment. Just because you bought cookies to bring to the bake sale doesn’t mean you didn’t really contribute. Pay someone to clean your house? The end result is the same—a house free from fifth. Have a nanny that fills in all of the blanks for you and your kids? That’s still YOU taking care of your kids. You carefully choose the people you enlist to help you. They don’t just show up like magical fairies or Mary Poppins. These people are a part of the life that you’re building. You are the architect, the designer, the creator of this life—it still belongs to you.
Such A Giver
I’m willing to bet that most of us would gladly BE the help to any of our friends in need. I’m quite sure that you and I are the first to sign up for meal trains or take someone’s kid to practice. You probably do this because you care for the person that you’re helping. Or maybe you help anonymously, because the joy you get from knowing you did good for someone else is what makes your heart sing. Either way, you don’t judge the recipient of the help. You’re probably even happy to do it. Guess what? They’d probably be happy to return the favor!
Use Your Words
Why do we assume we’re “bothering” someone by asking? This is like telling your child not to “bother” the teacher with a question. If you need help, you’re SUPPOSED to ask. This is the toughest part for a lot of us. You have to put it out there, you have to acknowledge that you can’t do it all. Or, maybe you CAN do it, but it would be so much better if you didn’t. So, if you’re looking for your life to be the best it can be while you juggle all that it throws at you, you’re going to have to use your words.
Let’s agree to all do it together. Let’s start a marketing campaign to improve help’s image. We’ll all ask for it, we’ll all offer it, we’ll all accept it. I promise we will be better for it. We will feel supported and part of something that is bigger than us. We will be a better version of ourselves for the people we are trying so desperately to show up for. We’ll raise our hands, we’ll use our words, we’ll make help great again!