The Craziest Job On Earth
Webster’s defines a job as: the work that a person does regularly in order to earn money; a duty, task or function that someone or something has; something that requires great effort.
I had a job once. I’ve actually been the proud owner of several jobs. I guess, by definition, I still have one. However, the first part of the definition regarding money, sadly, no longer applies.
But, let me think this through. I definitely have duties, tasks and functions and they all require great effort. I am lucky enough to stay at home with my three children. I’ve been doing so for about the last nine years. But, as my baby heads off to full-time school, I find myself thinking, “Maybe I should get a job?” You know, like the first one, the one that actually pays money.
I’ve mentioned this to a few of my friends and they looked at me like I was crazy. I think the exact words were “Why the hell would you do that?” and “What for?” I get it. When I stopped working I was over the work/family balancing act and ready to quit. But now, why can’t I dip my toe back into the workforce? My super supportive friend said, “What are you even going to do?”
And I guess, friends, that this is the million dollar question. So, my previous experience in marketing and sales in corporate America is still there and I’m pretty sure that part of my brain would kick in after a venti Starbucks and some time with adults. But, what if I could utilize some of the skills from this current position? As I reflect upon my daily tasks and functions, I start to think of what new and exciting opportunities my new-found skill set will bring me. Here’s what I came up with—
- Prep Cook—Now, notice, I didn’t say chef. Because while I’m actually a pretty good cook. I don’t do any “cooking” currently. Now, I’m more in the business of preparing meals with a minimal amount of ingredients that three out of five people will eat without complaining. Three out of five is winning in my house. And, I also didn’t say three out of five have to like it or find it especially appealing. If three out of five of the human beings here will finish 80 percent of it without crying or giving me some five-minute diatribe of why they don’t like green beans I am a success. I also perform this task quickly and under pressure a lot of the time—like when I have to make three lunches and breakfasts at the same time but am thirty minutes behind because someone can’t find a belt. So, preparing mass amounts of ingredients while being left completely alone with no one talking to me or asking me where their mouth guard was, no-brainer. I think I might actually enjoy that—mostly the being alone part.
- Taxi dispatcher—I can get three people to three different places at the same time, that’s got to count for something. I have to analyze the geographical and time constraints all while pooling my resources. It usually involves some kind of trade or barter, like if you take my kid to soccer, I’ll take yours to ballet, then we’ll both be where we need to be at the same time, thus cheating the universe and the space-time continuum. So, how hard can it be to tell a bunch of drivers with only one person to transport where to be and when? I’m also really good at telling people what to do and feel like this could offer a pretty flexible dress code—this one might be a slam dunk.
- Hostage Negotiator—Have you ever successfully gotten a three-year old girl to put her shoes on after she swears they don’t fit? How about made one cupcake feed three kids? I’m just saying that this is a skill set you can only learn by doing. If you’ve ever spent any time with small children you’ll know that there is no one more hostile, volatile and generally unreasonable. If I can get these people to follow (mostly) the rules of society and live in the same house without daily bodily injuries that require hospitalization, I think I can make anyone see reason. This may be what my latest career has left me most qualified for—I’m sure it’s flexible, possibly open to telecommuting? Is there a background check for this sort of work?
Maybe I’ll keep looking…